My Parents Sabotaged My Future

So I’m pretty sure my parents (inadvertently) sabotaged my future. Let me explain.

Some time ago in my very late-20s, I was passively engaged in a conversation with my parents. Eventually the conversation came around to remittances back to the home country. They expressed their appreciation for my occasional yet meaningful financial support. At one point my mother commented that I’m the only one of her children that doesn’t lie or make false promises… I’m a person of action, not just talk. She favorably compared me to my dad and other ancestors.

While complimenting me on my humility, financial prudence, consistency and trustworthiness, she said something like – and I paraphrase here, “You don’t get into trouble with women like your brothers, maybe God made you like this so you can be there for your parents”.

There was a lot of context around that casual conversation. Essentially they alluded to my lack of “sweet tongue” (romancing skills) and social skills being a blessing for THEM ☹️ All because my older brothers almost always allowed women (girlfriends, wives) to prevent them from executing their family obligations.

I didn’t think much of it, since at the time I was still optimistic about magically finding my lifelong African female partner, making my parents happy, and achieving some sense of “normal adult development” – AKA being a husband, dad, and Head of Household. Clearly my aspirations lean towards the mundane… I value Stability and Predictability.

However, in retrospect, I believe I was set up to fail from Day 1, from the very day I could read and write. Maybe not intentionally (or highly unlikely), but my parents definitely dropped the ball with my Normal Person Socialization skills. From my early teens and up, not only did they NOT allow me to learn “heterosexual male” skills and develop normally, they ACTIVELY controlled (or shut down) my attempts at socializing with other boys and of course ANY girls!

In one harrowing incident, my mother discovered a “love letter” that teenage me wrote to this one classmate on whom I had a crush. Unbeknownst to me, my mother took the letter from under my bed and brought it to school one day. She took it to my school principal, they located the girl, caused a scene, and proceeded to harass the poor girl… who had NO IDEA about ANY of this!

The girl NEVER spoke to me again, and I was the butt of jokes for the rest of the school term. It was probably the most shameful and emotionally traumatic event of my teenage schoolyears. Only “God” knows what kind of damage that did to my subconscious when it came to interacting with the opposite sex.

Oh, and get this. When I was about 16, merely a year before I was to be sent off the USA, my parents lied to me about where babies come from. They said something to the effect of, “We pray really hard, and God makes mommy’s tummy grow, just like he did with the Virgin Mary”.

I wish I was fucking kidding about ANY of this.

There were at least two more controlling/over-protection incidents, but I’ll leave things here for now.

I’m in mental anguish right now, so cannot write more about how my parents lied to me so much about this subject, and how I had to learn on my own – the hard way, stumbling and forever failing. That said, when I’m feeling less shitty, I’ll come back to edit and embellish this journal entry.

I suspect that these fucked-up incidents contributed heavily to my 1st ever attempt to end my life… on the train tracks behind our street.

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In any case, the end-result of this lifetime of over-protection, control, and misinformation… is the person whose blog you’re currently reading: a formerly-joyous, now socially isolated, lonely, and very depressed shell of a middle-aged negro male. A disfluent, anxious person with extremely low self-esteem, socially awkward (even pre-COVID), forever being rejected by other humans, and constantly fantasizing about going to sleep and never waking up (cuz I’m still too chickenshit to “man up” and eat a bullet like American NRA Jesus intended).

Don’t get me wrong: I love my parents. My mother passed away from brain cancer despite everything I did to take save her. My blind elderly dad is going strong, though he never remarried (he has a caretaker). I don’t hate him or anything like that, nor do I hate my late mother… but I do resent their shitty religion-based overprotective moves, misinformation, and lies.

More to the point, I’m really angry at my own brain for being the way it is.

Largely because of my parents, I have severe trust issues. This has “tainted” just about every relationship I’ve tried, whatever the flavor… even if I’m ultimately right about people lying to me, “always anticipating being shit on” is not necessarily healthy (sometimes ignorance is bliss). I’ve cut out toxic and untrustworthy people – including my siblings – from my personal life. At this point I have no community and literally no one in my “genetic tribe” to whom I can safely vent about this deeply personal shit.

So I journal.

Despite how I sound sometimes, I AM trying to get better. Trying to salvage what’s left of a clearly misbegotten solo existence. It’s just that this particular topic hurts too much to write about. However, at my recent therapy session, my amazing counselor gave me some “push” to write, so I thought I’d “strike while the iron is hot”.

I have to stop here and go self-medicate into oblivion. More on this topic in future entries.

Thanks for reading.

A Minor Epiphany About Rejection

While doing dishes today, I suddenly had a minor epiphany. Which I thought I’d share with anyone who cares to “listen”.

In my middle age, AKA my post-reintegration phase of life, I realize yet ANOTHER reason I’m far more comfortable approaching or befriending white/Caucasian people than black/Negro or LatinX people.

White people are far less likely to ignore, dismiss, or outright reject me based on my lack of religiosity.

People who know me “from back in the day”, already know how I was always my authentic self. They can probably attest to my experiences: how even the worst negro dudes or most “ratchet” negro women (with nothing to offer, really) would STILL dismiss me when they realize I’m not a Religious Fanatic or Fake Christian like them and THEIR families. From all indications, they obviously place a premium on performance art and WORDS, not positive actions (or just being a Decent Human Being).

I mean, seriously… how are negro people not embarrassingly self-aware of this contradiction? They openly curse, lie, cheat, do other un-Christian things, and often INTENTIONALLY disrespect and hurt each other (physically AND emotionally)… and still claim to be “God-fearing”!?! When they encounter a person who’s about ACTION not just talk, they dismiss them. Negro women, for example, would LITERALLY rather engage with a lying, semi-literate, deadbeat single man who spouts empty religious platitudes and meaningless mythological nonsense, than accept a non-Religious (“Privately Spiritual”) man who focuses on Objective Reality and who’s quietly doing everything that Jesus Christ allegedly instructed.

Clearly, labels and words are more important to negro people, than actions and authenticity. I have a HUGE problem with that, and – I’d imagine – so does any sane and Decent Person.

Also, I just realized everything I said, applies to Republicans, White Supremacists, and Christian Nationalists. Different label, same paradoxical shit. I guess no single demographic has a monopoly on religious hypocrisy, and Cognitive Dissonance is a bitch. Human society developed far too quickly for Evolution to course-correct our fucked-up Sapiens brains. Oh well.

Anyway… Just like any other Sapiens individual with emotions, I’m fucking tired of rejection. So much so, that I’m basically a shut-in. After being fully-vaccinated, I’m yet to even attempt to REALLY socialize. However the day before I wrote this article, I ignored my trepidations and attended a small neighborhood brunch (9 people total), and as usual I was the only POC in the group. I had a pleasant time! The conversation “flowed”, and my stories/ideas/commentary about travel/science/lifestyle were met with similar stories, not mockery or attempts at shaming me for being non-stereotypical and non-religious.

Thing is, if it was a “black” or “African” event, I’d probably not even have clicked the Event link. And if I did attend, I highly doubt that I’d be treated with the same mix of genuine curiosity and mild-yet-seemingly-real acceptance… half a lifetime of attempted socializing with with negro people and their weird, self-hating, “crab-in-a-barrel” dynamics has opened my eyes to their general “ratchet-ness”.

A person can only be insulted or rejected – by “their own people” no less! – for a limited time. Eventually I have to “shut it down” and truly understand that I am unwanted by these people. And I have to behave accordingly – even proactively – to avoid more insults and needless rejection.

My only regret is that I learned all this shit so late in life.

I’m tired of swallowing my disgust and being “The Bigger Person”. Fuck Cultural Religiosity and all those hypocrites who use religion as a tool for misinformation, oppression, division, and hate. Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all with dynamite and a fuckin’ cherry on top.

Some Weeks Are Tougher Than Others

Sometimes I really want to write about what’s going on in my head, but the internal voices and noises are too overwhelming. Too triggering. Too distracting. Voices of anger, resentment, hopelessness. What can I do when these other voices and memories pile up in my head, occluding my mental vision, preventing me from putting pen to paper (or “keyboard to document”)?

Not sure if there are any drugs or alternative psychiatric treatments that can address this. To help quiet the voices, help me focus on JUST one memory… but more importantly, to make me less emotionally sensitive, overall. Maybe lower my natural Empathy levels. Make me stop feeling or caring so much (or at all) about being reconnected with the rest of the Human race in any meaningful form.

What did people do before medical science and mood-altering therapies? Oh, right… they didn’t have TIME to be depressed… what with all the wars and daily trials and tribulations of survival. Good times, good times…

Reconnecting seems to be a dead-end for me anyway. Even without the COVID19 pandemic lockdown, I was largely “disconnected”, and not due to lack of trying to connect. However, statistically speaking not everyone was meant to “make it” in this life. And by “make it” I mean “be a acknowledged and mutually beneficial part of a community, the Homo Sapiens way”.

No matter what we do or say, no matter how well we try to live our lives, no matter how decent we live, no matter how much positive messages we try to spread, statistically, some of us are simply destined to live unremarkable lives, mostly as lonely hermits, eventually dying alone, and subsequently forgotten within days. Evidently I’m one of those individuals… Just like countless other random, unremarkable individuals throughout human history.

if I had my way, this video would be played at every school classroom across the world, at least once a semester.

Not everyone can be “normal” or “fit in”, that’s just a statistical fact. Numbers don’t care about our feelings, and the universe never promised Fairness. Obviously.

I don’t have to like the facts, but it is better to acknowledge and deal with the Harsh Reality of Mismatched Expectations and being Misled to Failures, than to wallow in the False Hopes and Dreams of an alternate timeline.

I’d just like some “substances” or procedures to help me get there, and STAY there with a smile on my face.

My New Tenant Is/Was Phoney and Bad

So my 18-year old American-black tenant finally showed her true colors… and boy were they quite ugly 😧

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I had been quite nice to this person, whom I’ll refer to as “The Kid” for purposes of this article. We even watched cartoons together a few times. One night, after she pleaded with me heavily, against my better judgement I loaned her my bike, which she – surprise surprise – ended up damaging. I didn’t pursue the issue, because I figured I deserved it, because I didn’t listen to my inner voice which was practically shouting “do not loan anything valuable to this person”.

That was totally my bad.

By mid-April, long after rent was due, The Kid still owed $100, which included a $25 late fee. She had changed jobs, and was struggling a bit to make ends meet. When I inquired about the remainder of rent, she indicated that she’ll pay the rest when she gets paid at the end of April. I understood these things, and was willing to work with her. I was willing, even though she never formally requested an extension, requested a change to the contract, nor did she show appreciation for my patience and flexibility, like other people would. Not once did she offer to do anything extra around the house, to make up for rent being late. In fact, her attitude was that of Typical American-black Woman attitude, very entitled, and RUDE, basically saying she’d given me all she had, and I should stop asking.

She was talking and behaving as if I wasn’t the house owner. As if she hadn’t signed a contract.

But that wasn’t the main issue, after all, $100 won’t make or break my finances for a month. On multiple occasions, The Kid showed a blatant disregard for the rules of the household, violating one or more parts of the Tenant Rules and Responsibilities as outlined in the Rental Agreement as well as verbal discussions. For example, she didn’t empty and bag the room’s trash can, raising the risk of vermin. She would also sometimes leave her dirty dishes in the sink, as if I was her maid or some shit. She also barely did her share of household chores – she cleaned the shared bath tub ONCE, and only by my prompting. She never vacuumed, mopped, or cleaned anything else. Not even – I found out later- her own room 😐

Every time I reminded her of these responsibilities, I did so calmly, with patience and kindness, and sometimes even a touch of humor.

Reminder: Rent, Late Fees, Tenant Responsibilities… these were all outlined in the Rental Agreement… which she said – to my face – that she read, fully understood, and had no additional questions.

I guess American-black women need to learn to READ the fucking contract BEFORE signing.

On April 17th, 2021 around 11:50am, I called her down to the kitchen and attempted – using my normal calm tone and standard “Inside Voice” – to discuss these household issues as well as the rent payment options for both April and moving forward. I was trying to show understanding and kindness, while using the Rental Agreement as a Common Baseline. However, the moment I brought up the subject, The Kid became belligerent and proceeded to start shouting at me, using a lot of profanity and extreme disrespect, saying I should stop asking her about the $100 owed, and the household responsibilities. In her rant, she also expressed dissatisfaction with the house’s physical location, as well as the house maintenance expectations. She repeatedly and angrily compared me to her mother.

I was taken aback, and I gently asked her if she felt it’s OK to talk to her landlord in such a disrespectful and rude manner, yet she persisted. Despite my patience, I could not get another word in edgewise. Within her rant, she insinuated bodily harm against me, alluding to doing the same with other people who have made her “angry”. I was shocked, but I did not respond for fear of escalation. Instead, I calmly told her that her tenancy in my house is no longer viable, and I quietly walked away from the kitchen (de-escalation).

Not ONCE did I raise my voice or yell at her, which is most likely what she’s accustomed to, like most hood rats.

The Kid had finally showed her true colors: ghetto attitude, inability to understand contractual obligations, possible illiteracy, and inability to appreciate the living space and situation. I’d had enough, and needed her gone from my sanctuary.

The very next day, I filed a police report and got an Incident Number – I figured in case things escalate, I’d like the cops to know that when I feared for my safety, I notified someone and asked someone for help. Next, I served her the legally-mandated Notice to Quit. Finally, I set up my bodycam, which I wore whenever she was in the house and I had to use the common areas. For the 2 remaining weeks, I felt like a hostage in my own house.

Finally, much to my relief, she vacated my property on the agreed-upon day, without further incident.

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I couldn’t find a royalty-free pic that didn’t refer to the Bible, sorry. But you get the point, though.

Here are the bits of knowledge I gleaned during this obese, disrespectful ghetto 18-year old’s stay in my house.

She has a history of being neglected by her parents. Or – more likely – her parents got tired of dealing with her bad attitude and disrespect, and just let her go find happiness elsewhere. Same reason I left my disloyal 2nd wife, actually LOL.

Like millions of fellow Americans, The Kid also suffers from anxiety and depression, and takes anti-psychotic medication.

As the massive obesity indicates, she has a major substance abuse problem – a severe fructose and sugar addiction. All she ever ate was candy, brownies, ice cream, French fries, pop tarts, soda, and juice. Not once did I see this Kid eat anything even closely related to actual food… not even rice, meat, beans, or eggs, and definitely no fruits of vegetables of any kid. Several times she referred to my groceries (eggs, wheat bread, deli meats, spinach) as “fancy stuff”. At least twice during her stay, I worried that she would suffer a pulmonary embolism and die while under my roof!

I rented to this Kid based on human empathy and wanting to “give people a chance”. I wanted to treat someone how I’d have liked to be treated, back in the day in California when I was struggling in the transition from youth to adulthood. Obviously I made a horrible mistake renting out one of my rooms to this particular person, especially without a thorough background and reference check. Similar to how very few American-black women (in particular) can recognize and appreciate a Good Partner, only a few American-black people (in general) can recognize or appreciate a quiet, private, well-equipped, clean, safe, stable, secure, drama-free living space for low rent… a perfect spot for when they’re trying to get established without worrying about living conditions.

My inner voice has been telling me for decades, “Stop throwing pearls to swine“… I REALLY need to pay more attention to my natural instincts.

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Let me address the elephant in the room. If you’re reading this article and thinking to yourself, “Wait, you’re a middle-aged African dude, professional, educated, taxpaying homeowner in pretty good shape for your age… why would you let an 18-year old push you around like that? Are you a coward or fag or something? LMAO!”

My response is, first of all, shut your fucking Toxic Masculinity-spewing mouth. Second of all, just think about how it’d look if I’d lowered myself to her level. Think about how it’d look if I got into a shouting match with her, or got physical with her. Think about how it’d look to other adults if I’d “slapped the taste out of her mouth” for speaking to me the way she did. Also, if cops had been called in the heat of the moment, think about the scenario from a RESPONDING POLICE OFFICER perspective. Think about my gender and skin color, and think about the current sociopolitical atmosphere.

I think you KNOW what the outcome would have been, if I had NOT taken the High Road on this.

So stop with the “Oh you’s a weak-ass nyigguh, can’t even deal with an 18-year old fat ghetto bitch, cuh!”, cuz you know damn well if this had happened in Africa, it’d be a completely different response and outcome. Yes, there would definitely be a beating. Probably several beatings. She’d likely be shunned from the local community and forever marked as “trouble”.

The adults of my culture do NOT fuck around with disrespectful youths like that. So trust me, I’m no angel, but this IS America: we have Rule of Law, which IS enforced (at least against us un-connected, wage-slave 99-percent randos off the street).

So before you accuse me of being “weak”, take into context the culture and legal system in which I LIVE. Slapping the kids head CLEAN OFF would have landed me in prison, therefore I literally had no other reasonable choice BUT to take the High Road in this scenario.

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Finally, there’s one piece of good news through all this – I can add a couple of notches to my Personal Growth.

You know how some people get assaulted (usually sexually), abused, or ripped off… and when they report or talk about it, they get inevitably victim-blamed?

Well I used to understand this on an intellectual level, only. Part of me was still slightly skeptical about the victim’s claims, especially if there was a lot of “he-said, she-said”. Part of my mind would be like, “Well why was he dating an abusive woman?” or “Why did she stay so long wit an abusive man?” or “Well why did she dress like THAT when she went to THAT kind of party?” or, in this case, “Why did s/he rent a room in their private residence to an obviously shady, delinquent, uncouth, ghetto kid”… without even doing a background check?

Well, no more. That “Well, why did s/he…” devil’s advocate crap is GONE from my mental vocabulary! NOW I know how it feels to be victim-blamed – and low-key shamed – for all-too-human errors in judgement. Now I know that feeling REALLY well.

Another realization: You know how some senior citizens seem to be rather irritable, cold, “mean”, always suspicious of everyone at first? Sure, some of them are just flat-out old-school xenophobic, but some of them have legitimate Trust issues due to shit like what I just went through.

I have more EXPERIENTIAL Empathy now.

So if there’s one positive lesson I can take away from this experience, is that my overall level of Empathy has gone UP.

Personal Growth, yo. That’s always a “win” in my book.

America Needs A New Enemy

Let’s not sugar-coat things: Most Americans today are suffering from mental illness. The symptoms range from the abnormally high rate of suicides, reality-denying MAGA and QAnon cultists, Crazy Karens or Chads weaponizing racially-biased trigger-happy cops, and of course, the ol’ American Staple: mass shooters.

Also, many Americans today are too fat and comfortable, while many are simultaneously seeking another Civil War, as an obvious outlet for their life frustrations and mindless resentment towards “The Other” (other Americans, in this case).

I’m just gonna leave this here…

This current internal discord and – simultaneously – overall laziness makes it quite clear:

America needs a new enemy.

We NEED a new external and imminent threat to our livelihood and lives. Only then might we come back to our senses and implement the first word in our country’s name. Only when facing massive danger, or facing extinction, shall we finally set our differences aside and actually be UNITED.

However, our new enemy CANNOT be made up of cis-gendered hetero Christian white people, because many Americans would relate to them too much. This was demonstrated by the largely bloodless January 6th Insurrection and subsequent cover-up.

Our new enemy CANNOT be invisible to the naked eye, because we’ll just end up politicizing it and fighting one another like the hairless fucking apes we are, while the microorganisms mutates, spreads, and becomes even deadlier. We demonstrated this quite clearly during the COVID19 pandemic of 2020.

I only WISH it did.

Our new enemy CANNOT be other countries either or corporations, because they’re still human, with civilians, most of whom most likely desire peace, cooperation, and Diplomacy. Many Americans would hesitate to fight another regular country or corporation. There would be internal dissent within us… bringing us back to Square One.

America needs a new enemy. One that is Truly Other, Visible, and Unambiguously Evil

TheAltNative

So, our new the enemy must be “Truly Other”, visible and unambiguous evil (that is, seeking our destruction without any chance of diplomatic resolution). Be it a newly-aggressive Russia, who’ve Finally Won The Cold War anyway (so it’d have to be a Hot War this time), North Korean nukes when Kim Jong Un finally loses his mind, angry Atlanteans sick of ocean pollution, malevolent extra-terrestrials, super-powered mutants, a rogue Artificial Intelligence, freakin’ Cthulhu… whatever it is, the threat must be external, and the threat must be imminent.

A threatening rival can reinforce a sense of National Identity and eliminate societal divisions. Therefore, when we Americans face an adversary we can shoot – or an adversary that can wipe out a third of our population in under 5 years – only then shall Americans unite, and all this in-fighting reduce or even disappear completely. After all, what good is being racist or sexist POS when half the population is dead from a pandemic, and you need every single able-bodied person to help the species’ survival? What good is being MAGA or QAnon cultist when the Internet is crippled or limited, nobody has the sheer TIME to listen to your unhinged bullshit anymore? What good is reality-denying when the unyielding facts of wartime – or pandemic survival – don’t give a flying fuck about your Conspiracy Theories?

I repeat: America needs a new enemy.

Not pictured: invisible alien overlords right behind that US flag…

Until we get one, the self-destructive bullshit we’re seeing everyday – the “Us vs. Them” mentality, the Tribalism, the Misogyny, the Sexism, the Gender Wars – will continue unabated. As always, the fear-spewing, anxiety- reinforcing, ratings-driven Mainstream Media will continue force-feeding us reports of these as-yet uncommon tragic incidents…

…Did I say “uncommon”? Oops, my bad! While you were reading this comment, there was yet another mass shooting or another police murder. Maybe it was incited by a Karen, maybe not. Maybe it was in your neighborhood, maybe not.

Point is: America needs a New Enemy.

Until then, there shall be no “healing”. It is what it is.

My Skin Is Not Black

Yes, this is yet another article about “race”, though it’s not about the usual race-related stuff. This article is more about language, specifically: what’s the deal with people using colors to describe peoples’ skin tones???

“Also, airplane peanuts, AMIRITE???”

If you’ve read some of my articles, you’ve seen me describe a certain sector of the population as “American-black” or “American-white”. You’ve also seen me describe the broader demographic as “Negro” or “Caucasian”, respectively. If you’re a typical Westerner, you’ve probably thought, “Oh, this author might be at worst, low-key White Supremacist, or, at best, an old-school person still using outdated racially-offensive terms, instead of saying ‘black’ or ‘white’.”

Let’s unpack that for a minute.

Why is “White” or “Black” OK, but more “scientifically-aligned” term like “Caucasian” or “Negroid” are likely to bring side-eyes (the former) or outright condemnation (the latter)? Yes, I am fully aware that most modern dictionaries categorize “Negro” as “offensive and dated”. So we should use colors, then? OK by those rules, “White” is OK, and “Black” is OK… but “Yellow” is not?

Wait… WHY, though? I thought colors were OK? I guess #NotAllColors.

Listen, I’m a simple man. I try to avoid Needless Controversy and Unintentional Offense when there are so many more important issues in today’s society… so I focus on neutral, scientifically accurate terms. Simply put, “black” and “white” are not races – they are literally colors (or lack of color, depending on whether we’re talking photons or paint). Besides, these words don’t even reflect reality – I’ve met a few really, really dark Sudanese brothers, but I’m yet to meet any African who’s truly colored black. I’ve met some really really pale British folks, but I’m yet to meet any European who’s truly colored white. Have you?

OK besides Gary Oldman’s Dracula, I mean…

And how about south-Asian people, most of whom sport skin tones and features somewhere in-between classic east-Asian (Oriental) and sub-Saharan African (Negro)… what do we call THEM? Sandalwood? Tan? Beige? They’re clearly not black or white, and Asia is a huge continent with various other phenotypes… so what exact pantone or HTML color code should apply to south-Asian people?

I’m of the opinion that this casual usage of “black” and “white” to describe people, reflects what I and some other nerds call “Language Laziness”. Human skin tones are on a very wide spectrum across the globe.

This is why we don’t get along 🤷🏾‍♂️😓

It’s not just skin tone, either. Here are other examples of Language Laziness:

What People Say	What They Usually Mean
Vagina	Labia
Leg	Foot
Corona	SARS-COV-2
Weight	Fat-Mass
Run	Jog
Monkey	Ape

(On a side note, I also get mildly irritated when people refer to the tomato as “vegetable”. It is not. The tomato is a fruit, you dummkoffs!😂 But that’s a whole other conversation.)

But I digress. Let’s go back to the race issue.

Maybe I’m all alone in this “Language Matters and Words Have Meaning” platform, however I personally feel justified in my stance. Why? Well because my family basically climbed out of poverty largely due to the power of Education and Vocabulary. As a result, “Language Laziness” makes my poor little brain do more work than it needs to. More importantly, it breeds miscommunication and misunderstanding – which have triggered almost all human conflicts, both global AND personal, throughout recorded history.

The simplistic and often inconsistent use of color-words as lazy proxies for real human phenotypes, taps into our ancient hominid brains (Natural Prejudices), stimulates our Fear Centers, breeds Xenophobia and Racism, and perpetuates the society-crippling “Us vs. Them” mentality.

…and that’s how the USA banned all Chinese-Americans from owning cats. I’m kidding of course, Chinese people are allowed to own cats (but you know some rural Americans think “all Asian folks eat cats, 24/7”)

If I had my way, we’d be using words like “Negro”, “Caucasian”, “Oriental”, “AmerIndian”, “Latino”, “Semite”, “Aboriginal”, “Mediterranean”, etc. Sure, some of them might be outdated or considered “offensive” (because people these days just want to be offended by anything and everything), so how about we invent new, more accurate words? In my opinion, these non-color words – or any non-offensive, yet scientific equivalents – are far better. Why? Because human skin tones are FAR more nuanced and COMPLEX than just “black” and “white”! In fact, speaking in general, the world is NOT black and white! So why do we keep talking as if human beings can be neatly slotted into those 2 categories?

It is my strong opinion that we need to use more accurate words.

Some people respond to that with, “Well race is a social construct – people are really referring to their Class and Privilege in modern society”.

If so, then why don’t we just SAY that?

“NBC News at 9: A local Non-Privileged person was wrongfully accused by a Privileged neighbor, and the Privileged police officer who showed up, drew his gun by instinct”.

See? That even SOUNDS far less racially-charged than using colors, doesn’t it?

Of course it does, but mainstream media will NOT use neutral words. Mainstream media DGAF about informing people or de-escalating racial tensions. It’s all about Fear, Outrage, Ratings and Clicks for these fuckers. “If it bleeds, it leads”, “Sex Sells”, and “Controversy Creates Cash” 😒

My point is, perhaps if we stopped catering to illiterate or simple-minded people, we could minimize this “Every adjective is somehow a racial slur” problem that we seem to have these days (especially on Social Media).

It means examining our use of certain words, and how they shape our perception of other humans. It means doing some deliberate WORK to mentally dissociate these colors from our preconceived notions of people whose skin tones and facial features differ from ours. It means communicating better with one another, using objectively accurate terms.

Listen, we’re Homo Sapiens – we CAN do better. We just need the WILL to do so.

My New Tenant Is An American-Black Girl

After almost 6 months of seeking and screening, I finally accepted a tenant to rent one of my spare bedrooms. She’s 18 years old, from the inner city (“hood”), near-morbidly obese, and – most relevant to this article – American-black.

Why is that last part significant? Well, anyone who knows me In Real Life or reads my articles, know that American-black women between ages 21 and 35 have been a huge part of my Failed Reintegration Project. So much so, that for a long time in 2020, I would be triggered by even the sight of American-black women (or just black women in general). I would constantly have thoughts along the line of, “It would be best for everyone if they were sterilized, or better yet, exiled from this otherwise great country, along with the all American-black men who share their mindset”.

Some of my thoughts were worse than that. Some real White Supremacy shit, I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes the resentment and rage approached the intensity of a hundred main-sequence suns, goddammit. However I’m not gonna deny my feelings. I was mentally seeking ways to hurt the very demographic that I believed hurt ME (even if they didn’t do it intentionally).

It took a LOT of therapy, emotional work, and intellectual justifications to get over the worst of the dark thoughts. Eventually, I could see and interact with a American-black people without harboring those mostly-irrational feelings of repressed anger.

Fast-forward to March 2021. I allowed a compatible tenant, who just happens to be in that most despised demographic, into my Luxury Prison AKA “Sanctuary”. I have ZERO angry thoughts towards her, only Landlord thoughts, with just a hint of Fatherly Protectiveness. I don’t see her as a villain or judge her a Bad Person by mere virtue of her skin color and upbringing. I can, in fact, interact with her like a regular human being.

That’s progress! That’s healing! I’m learning to give myself credit where credit is due.

That being said, I’m still pretty rational – I had a few major justifications for my decision to allow this person into my Sanctuary.

I’m learning to give myself credit where credit is due.

AlterNative African

First of all, she’s young, and fairly self-aware. She knows that she uses junk food as a coping mechanism for her Depression and Anxiety. She’s also very aware of her “ghetto heritage” (my words). Despite her obvious obesity, diabetes, and slight “ghetto mentality”, she has SOME time to course-correct (well, assuming that she lives long enough to do so). Point is, unlike all the American-black women with whom I interacted over the decades, this kid is NOT beyond hope. Not yet.

Secondly, she enjoys much of the same pop culture as I – mostly cartoons, as well as a few other things. The few times we’ve watched cartoons together, we’ve also had good conversations about social issues and how they are portrayed in media. She’s not so old and jaded that she automatically looks down upon nerds, like most American-black women in my generation do. Point is, she can be good non-judgmental company in reasonable doses… and that matters to me.

The above major factors compelled me to give her a chance. As of this article she has lived in my house for just 2 weeks, so it’s still too early to tell. However, I am optimistic.

Aahh, optimism that involves another human being… especially an American-black person… I almost forgot how it feels to be optimistic and trust someone even just a little. Some months ago, as part of my Mental Health journey, I promised myself I’ll make conscious efforts to be more positive, so as to counteract the pervasive chronic depression. Therefore, no matter how this tenant turns out, I plan to enjoy this feeling for as long as possible!

Happy Easter weekend, everyone.

We Are All Victims of Genetic Variance

Earlier today I had a fun little online exchange on YouTube. It was under a video about Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala being the first woman AND the first African to lead the World Trade Organization.

New head of WTO, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, seen here protecting her head stylishly as it shatters the glass ceiling. Like a boss 😁👍🏾

The user “Corn Pop” was all like, “Glad to see that famine has finally been eradicated from Africa.”

Yeah we get it, dude… the entire continent of Africa is just one big blob of “lions”, “Nigerian email scams”, and “hungry starving people”… so of COURSE seeing a single well-fed Nigerian business leader means that the entire continent is cured of hunger now, hardy-har-har, dude… hardy-har-har 🙄

All it takes is a Google Search, an open mind, and (the best idea) a freakin’ passport so one can travel and educated ones-self about other countries and cultures.

However, that exchange made me think of something else a little deeper: our basic human physical body shapes and sizes aren’t entirely contingent upon self-control and calories… they are, tragically, controlled more by genetics.

I think about my rural township in southeast Nigeria. Much of the population is “limited” to 1 big meal and 1 snack per day. The poor transportation infrastructure means that most people walk a lot just to get necessities and carry out their daily tasks, so they consistently get daily exercise. Despite these lifestyle factors, there STILL exist some chubby people, right alongside the thin ones, in the same township – sometimes within the same nuclear family – eating the same food and living the same lifestyle.

 “We know from research that some genetic predisposition increases your risk to be overweight and obese, but it can be overcome by lifestyle… genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger. Genetics does play a role, but the truth is who you are is still determined by how you live your life.”

Zhaoping Li, MD, PhD, Director of the Center for Human Nutrition at UCLA

This perspective comes from experience. I’m a middle-aged man, naturally predisposed to being slender like my dad (with additional “blessings” of a big head and round tummy, haha). At age 28 I embarked on my fitness journey, trying really hard to gain muscle and grow in overall size. I did intense resistance training 4-6 times a week. I consumed 5 protein-rich meals a day, supplemented with Creatine, mass-gainers, BCAAs, Animal Pak, and also a little pro-hormones (back when they were still legal).

Despite all that hard work, I could not get past 210 pounds in my prime.

Now I’m in my mid-40s, with a bad right knee, and a far less-forgiving stomach. I telecommute full-time, exercise moderately 3-4 times a week, eat 2.5 nutritious meals a day… aaaaand…

I’m back to 178 pounds, skinny just like my elderly dad 😒

My point is, when it comes to body size and shape, we can rarely escape our biological inheritance 🤷🏾‍♂️ We’re ALL simultaneously benefactors AND victims of Genetic Variation.

So, whenever we look out on the street OR in the mirror, and we see someone whose body shape or size doesn’t fit the media stereotypes, preconceived notions, or personal expectations… let’s all remember that they have just as little control over their basic genetics as we.

Universal Basic Income Won’t Work in the USA

Recently a friend and I were talking about the pros and cons of Universal Basic Income. This topic has been covered ad-nauseum in various public discourse forums, so I won’t rehash them here. I just think it simply won’t work in the USA. In this article I offer my grounded rational for this belief, and I offer a better alternative to UBI.

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Money Brings Out The Worst In People

UBI is one of those Great Ideas With Potentially Disastrous Consequences. It seems to work just fine for smaller, culturally and ethnically homogeneous countries. Alas, the USA is none of those things.

All “Basic-income” programs – designed to dole out direct cash payments to large swaths of people, no strings attached – generally sound “good” in theory… until you consider the ongoing social and cultural climate in the USA. As an unwitting observer of human behavior, I can tell you with an extremely high degree of confidence, that giving monthly cash payments to the 99% will further divide us. Why? One major reason:

Jealousy.

Greed too, but mostly jealousy and sense of “reverse entitlement”. Is that a phrase? I’m referring to that feeling that some people get, when they see others getting the very exact same help or support as them. In Nigeria we call it “bad belly”. It loosely translates to “Baseless Jealousy For Sake of Being An Asshole Who Hates Seeing Their Peers Happy or Prosperous”.

I think you get my point.

What generally happens when masses of residents realize that they ALL received government money? Scams, fraud, identity theft, physical theft, straight-up murder at gunpoint, and other money-related crimes WILL spike. Ditto for racial violence and intra-neighborhood conflict. Costs of living will also immediately trend upwards, as landlords and slumlords across the nation decide that it’s not enough for their tenants to pay rent and avoid being evicted, the landlords/slumlords will want MORE of that “government cheese”! Because, as we all know, Greed is Good, right?

Based on what I know so far about American people, there’s literally NO WAY IN HELL that UBI would be implemented in the USA without major societal upheaval and more violence! Anyone paying attention to this country’s story knows this is American Psychology 101. We’re a culturally divided nation, often bitterly fighting one other when we COULD be addressing systemic issues that affect us ALL.

Systemic Flaws of a Great Nation

This COVID19 pandemic has been great for rich people, telecommuting, and some technology companies, but it has forced the rest of us to acknowledge and contend with several not-so-great aspects of life in the USA.

It has shone a spotlight on the income disparities that plague this otherwise great country. This has prompted some brave Progressives to bring up the UBI topic again, in attempt to address the unprecedented levels of unemployment.

It has brought to the forefront the plight of so-called Essential Workers, most of whom are minorities and are definitely not paid enough to take the necessary time off to take care of themselves or their families. They’re not “heroes”, they’re Wage Slaves.

It has also exposed our broken healthcare system… an inhuman and morally depraved system that charges people high premiums, discourages them from seeking medical attention when sick, and severely penalizing them when they do.

This pandemic has also given more power to the pre-existing epidemic of Loneliness. Adult Depression in the USA was already pretty high, and it has tripled since the pandemic… so the commensurate rise in suicides comes as no surprise.

The list goes on. I think we can do better.

A Better Way To Spend Taxpayer’s Money

We’re no longer blissfully ignorant of these societal issues. So I don’t understand why the conversation around UBI hasn’t explored OTHER ways to address them and take care of the nation’s taxpayers. The alternative to Universal Basic Income is obvious: Strengthening our nation’s Social Support systems, with emphasis on goods and services that just about everyone needs at one point or another in their lives. To wit:

Basic Universal Healthcare, paid for by our taxes. This should definitely include mental health services, substance abuse treatment, and fitness center memberships. This sector ALONE would reduce many problems including – but not limited to – poverty, bankruptcies, and Deaths of Despair.

Grocery store coupons, because people need to eat, period. This is just Common Sense.

Childcare, because most people have children, and most of THOSE people have jobs (or would LIKE to go out and get jobs).

Infrastructure like bridges, roads, and broadband Internet access, because expanding and strengthening the very backbones of modern commerce and industry can only benefit a Mostly-Capitalist society like the USA.

These are goods and services that would go a long way towards improving the lives of The People, regardless of demographics or global pandemics, boosting overall Happiness, and in the long term, boosting the Economy. All without having to cut individual checks to anyone.

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That’s it. That’s all I have to say about Universal Basic Income and the alternative thereof. There’re obviously a lot more details to cover, but I’m keeping this article short… I’ll leave the deep-dives to the true Subject Matter Experts.

Yes, I know these sweeping positive changes are just a pipe dream, but I feel confident that in a century or so, life in the USA shall be even better than it is now!

So, come on down to the comment section, and dream with me 😀

Some Reasons To Be Grateful

In the face of all the rampant awfulness that was and is 2020 and 2021 (I’m grouping them together, because, let’s face it, they’re basically the same)… and in the midst of my ongoing Severe Anxiety and near-fatal Clinical Depression, something occurred to me.

Things could be worse.

Things could be FAR worse.

So with that in mind, I decided to take a break from my normal deluge of negative, disillusioned, resentful, depression-fueled, angry rants… to acknowledge and talk about the GOOD things. To talk about the things that ARE going well in my life. Y’know… positive sh!t for a change 😅

Hard to believe, but I used to be a chronically happy person! Hopefully, in time, I can reclaim some of that positive energy.

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I Have My Physical Health

From my scalp, to my neck, torso, wang, butthole, eyes, ears, heart, lungs, GI tract, endocrine system, bone marrow… Everything is in fine working condition, both inside AND outside! Biology is extremely complex and imperfect, of course… I have minor physical “issues” here and there, but nothing extraordinary that can’t be resolved with occasional stretching, better skin lotion, dietary tweaks, or a couple of Tylenols and a full night’s sleep.

Sure, when I started my Health and Fitness Journey at age 28, I had “additional reasons” for getting and staying fit. However, even though that simple “dream” never came to fruition, it IS nice to hear my doctor(s) say after each annual Comprehensive Medical Evaluation, “Hey your Numbers look GREAT for your age! Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!” 👨🏾‍⚕️🩺👍🏾

Despite my genetic risk of both arthritis (courtesy of my late mom) and high blood pressure (courtesy of my very geriatric dad), I have neither condition. In fact, I have no chronic physical illnesses to speak of. Even with regular visits to my local gym and the grocery store – not exactly quarantine – the last time I was literally physically ill was pre-pandemic in December 2019. And THAT was just a 1-day cold, likely exacerbated by mental fatigue and Severe Depression.

I invested in my health earlier in my life, and it’s clearly paying off later. My physical body remains fairly fit, potentially enabling me to salvage my twilight years and see more of the world, post-pandemic. I’m warming up to the idea of to being an “Elderly African Adventurer”, hiking some mountain trail in a far-away continent! And for that, I am grateful.

Just Photoshop in a loyal doggo to this photo, and my geriatric dream will be complete.

I Can still Make Friends

Just before this awful pandemic shut the world down, I was recovering from my Failed Black Reintegration Project. I was starting to socialize again, but without focusing on any specific demographic (I’m not making THAT mistake again)! Absent that misguided self-imposed pressure, I started being “noticed” by other human beings again. I was seen, liked, and appreciated. I was being invited to things. I was making human connections. I was publicly laughing along with others. I was dating.

I started to realize that “Hey… I’m might not be as hideous or unlikeable as (that other demographic) made me feel. In fact, I’m barely hideous or unlikeable at all! I’m Generally An Alright Fella, one that just happened to foolishly keep trying to be friends with (the wrong demographic)!”

And then the world shut down 😞 So that put a hard stop to organic physical socialization.

However, even during the worst of this fucking pandemic, I still managed to virtually connect with a nice, empathetic author in Toronto (lemme just call her “N” for sake of privacy). It was a totally random Twitter exchange that somehow blossomed into a virtual human connection. Over a year later, amidst countless texts, tweets, Zoom calls, and mutually supportive phone conversations, I came to realize that “N” is officially my very first Virtual/Remote Friend! Someone who is – and still is – “present”. Someone who delivers some “tough love”, but ALSO regularly reminds me that there IS value in my existence and friendship, both with her (obviously) and possibly other people in the post-pandemic future!

This regular human contact inspired me to develop and refine my new Personal Motto in early 2020: Those Who Like You, Might Not LOOK Like You, And That’s OK! (I’ll let you guys know when I get it printed on T-shirts) 😁👍🏾

I still have the potential to be “seen” by other humans, to hold some positive value for them regardless of phenotype and regardless of the type and length of the relationship. And for that, I am grateful.

I certainly hope that when I’m totally old and grey, I still have a full set of original teeth like these gentlemen seem to have!

I’m Not Sleeping On The Streets (Anymore)

Not long after I relocated to the USA, I spent some really difficult weeks in 1992 being homeless in the Bay Area (California), sleeping at random spots including train stations or under peoples’ staircases, pounding the pavement looking for work, reading whatever used books I could find, and strategically spending the coins that random passers-by tossed into my empty McDonalds soda cup.

Fast forward to today – many jobs and fiscally prudent decisions later – I’m writing this article from a consolidated SOHO/bedroom in my fairly large 3-bedroom house, which I semi-facetiously call my “Luxury Private Prison” during this pandemic-isolation times. It is equipped with everything a person in a Modern Developed Nation could need, and then some. It’s not perfect by any means… my basement needs finishing, and some minor aged plaster needs to be redone, but my solar panels are producing, and my new pine fence is “on fleek” (are the kids still saying that? I lost track) 😅 and most importantly, I’m still living within a reasonable budget, which means I could afford to be unemployed for an entire year without being late on my mortgage payments!

These days, when I see homeless people out there on the cold streets, I am often reminded of my history. I’m also much more empathetic, and far less predisposed to “judging” them for perceived or assumed “moral failings”.

I’ve gone from being on the streets without a roof over my head, to having “too much house for one person”, as a few individuals have semi-facetiously noted. In any case, it’s better than being on the streets again. And for that, I am grateful.

Fun fact: While homeless, walking everywhere looking for work, I wore out my first pair of professional (“grown up”) shoes.

I’m a Sapient Human Being

This last one is a bit more nebulous, but I’ll try to explain. Experts all over the world have been working on this, but as of yet, we still do not know what consciousness is. We still do not know what made the advanced hominids we now call Homo Sapiens Sapiens develop Consciousness, and we still do not know where it is located, or how it really works. Is it the same as sapience? Is it an emergent property of our highly complex brains? Is it connected to a yet-undiscovered extra-spatial dimension? Is it something “spiritual”, gifted us by some unseen, unknowable Higher Power? Is it all of the above, or something else entirely? We simply do not know (yet).

However, as far as we DO know, Human Beings are the ONLY life form that even thinks about this stuff! Assuming that what we call “thought” is truly absent in other lifeforms, we are the only species whose brain tries to understand itself and the enormous, practically infinite Cosmos in which it resides. I dunno about you, but I think that sh!t is amazing, you guys!

But to what end? Well, absent any evidence to the contrary, I strongly believe that Life – in particular sapient life AKA Humans – are The Universe’s Way Of Understanding Itself. I believe that if the human race doesn’t go extinct, our far-future descendants shall reach a Higher Level of Understanding, bringing the species even closer to unlocking more secrets of the Universe.

Just think about it. That’s dope as hell! 😃✌🏾 And I just happen to be part of THIS statistically unlikely and incredible demographic on this tiny blue planet? Without any discernable rhyme or reason? Shhiiiii. For that, dear readers, I am TRULY grateful.

Yo, dawg… I heard you like deep thoughts…

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