Deceived, discarded, tribeless, and virtually "homeless". Fatally jaded, now agnostic. This blog is for self-therapy. My time on Earth is up, but I'll be back (maybe). For now, find me on Twitter.
Yeah I came in “hot” with wishing death on these selfish motherfuckers. Ideally, they – the Willfully Unvaccinated – should be required to sign a waiver, saying that if they get sick from COVID19, they waive their right to be treated at ANY medical facility in the USA.
Instead, they refuse the vaccine based on Identity Politics, wilful ignorance, and religion bullshit (no surprise there). Then, they almost inevitably get sick, and overrun the very same hospitals that they claim to not trust. Now, people with LEGITIMATE reasons for seeking medical care, cannot get hospital beds.
Florida Mom with Stage 4 Cancer Unable to Get a Hospital Bed Due to Unvaccinated COVID Patients
In my honest opinion, the SARS-COV-2 virus works TOO SLOWLY. In an ideal world, an unvaccinated person would be fucking “gone” within 5 days: catch it, get sick, death within 5 days. That would be AWESOME. If that were the case, these pointless, distracting, attention-seeking, air-sucking “debates” would be over within a few months. We have FAR bigger problems to solve in this country.
However, I’m not a “hater” – I recognize that all lifeforms – including microorganisms – have the same evolutionary mandates we mammals do: survive, reproduce and spread. And they cannot those things if their hosts are immobile and expire in too short a time. Hence the long incubation period and lack of symptoms for a long-ass time – while it reproduces and MUTATES. In fact, malicious microorganisms LOVE asymptomatic hosts, because not only are they great “labs and nurseries” for new variants, but these hosts go about their daily lives, congregating, often maskless, intentionally spreading the virus far and wide BEFORE falling sick and being quarantined. What lucky microorganism would NOT love that???
Malicious microorganisms LOVE asymptomatic hosts
– Immunology, Health, and Disease Experts
The unvaccinated are a virus’ best friend!
But I want to end this short article on a POSITIVE note. Let’s give Thanks and Praise to the Unvaccinated! Why? Because they are a wonderful “petri dish” in Earth’s attempts at wiping out this scourge known as the Human Race. These anti-human, selfish, un-American screaming toddlers are doing Mother Gaia a huge favor.
As of this article, there is a “Mu” variant, which is being watched closely by health officials. I cannot wait for the GammaX Variant, which might straight-up mutate our still-living cells. One can dream, right? I mean, not let us get some cool superpowers before the inevitable Omega Variant shows up and Mother Gaia finally succeeds in wiping us out 👇🏾😂
Dese folk’ really be out here washing down dey Uranium Cereal wit’ Mountain Dew, LOL
I did a lot for my family. I did my best to be a Good Friend even when I wasn’t appreciated. I’ve proven myself as a solid boyfriend, reliable loyal husband, and very involved father. I am a Law-Abiding Citizen. I vote. I tried to get involved with local neighborhood affairs. I take care of my health and living environment. In general I do my best to be a good citizen of the world.
Through all this, I merely sought community and positive relationships with fellow humans.
And yet here I am, I’m abandoned and discarded, visible only to fraudsters, abusers, gold-diggers (just barely), bill collectors, and (eventually, probably) law enforcement.
Why?
Because I’m not tall, rich, super-handsome, charismatic, and connected?
Because I don’t know how to tell people the lies and half-truths they so desperately want to hear?
Because I have a reasonable vocabulary and don’t need to curse or use “black” slang 24/7?
Because I’m a humble, strategically-frugal negro who would rather have experiences, save or invest than splurge on flashy clothes or expensive restaurants?
Because I’m a West African expat who just happens to be nerdy, non-stereotypical, principled and sincere? A man who strived to Do The Right Thing, according to BOTH Christian AND Humanist doctrines?
Because when I heard “be a good person” from the church, my african “elders”, and mainstream media… I actually LISTENED and did my best to BE JUST THAT? Only to find out – over 20 years later – “SYKE! We only TALK about Doing The Right Thing, nigga! It’s all just Lip Service – nobody ACTUALLY thinks like that in practice! Only losers, simps, and beta males go around trying to follow Christ’s teachings or be Good People!”
This. Fucking. Sucks.
Think about all the unethical, assholes, fraudsters and criminals out there who are having far better social lives than me. Despite all their (often openly) anti-humanist ways, most of them have community! Be it genetic family, a romantic partner, or even regular friends to roll with… they at least have SOMEONE to talk to face-to-face. They seem to get what they want, because they often lack Empathy, and ignore their conscience. In fact, often times the WORSE and more SELFISH they are, the MORE they get what they want. And even those cut off from the outside world – convicts in LITERAL PRISON – still have some sort of “family” in there, or people who communicate with them from beyond the jail cells.
Yet here I am… having to PAY someone to talk to me. Here I am, in my secure, well-equipped Luxury Prison complete with basement and attic, still unemployed and having difficulty finding work, moving around like a zombie hour to hour, day to day. Here I am, isolated and ignored, unable to find any fellow human to join me for even a fucking Walk-n-Talk, let alone grab a beer or see a movie.
I feel like a damn fool. Evolutionary Psychology always wins. I shoulda known, we cannot truly oppose Nature. Despite a life spent being optimistic and hopeful, Nice Guys really DO finish last – Evolutionary Psychology ALWAYS wins in the end.
I’m really angry about all this, and – assuming nothing changes – it looks like I’ll be carrying this generalized anger and resentment to the fucking grave.
Fine, no one lives forever anyway. I guess the question is… in my final hour, will I go out alone, quietly and shamefully… or will I Change Some Random Lives and Send A Message?
A friend in Latin America asked me to explain why the “red states” in America are bad. With my limited Spanish — often relying on Google Translate to fill in the gaps – I was unable to properly articulate it on-the-spot.
So I decided to write up a full response, with (hopefully) easily-digestible bullet points. Obviously these are broad strokes, since some of these “red states” have some town, communities, or individuals that do not fit the broader descriptions. However, as a collective, the “red states” in America are bad because:
Facts vs. Opinions (or Beliefs)
They tend to be anti-science and anti-fact, specifically any fact that clashes with their pre-existing world view. They are pridefully ignorant, and extremely stubborn. Red states have the lowest levels of literacy in the country. They believe that the only “school education” necessary is the bare minimum needed to get a job and feed their families, meaning that Broad Education and General Intelligence are bad and destructive. They consider open minds, broad horizons – or changing their beliefs based on new information – quite upsetting, and a “weakness”. They are often avoidant of, or hateful towards, anyone who is highly educated or an academic expert in their field.
“Us” vs. “Them”
They are very tribal and xenophobic. Meaning, anybody who does not look like them, talk like them, and believe everything they believe… is automatically “The Other”, to be looked upon with suspicion, fear, or disgust. They view immigration and demographic diversity as a bad thing, detrimental to society. They would rather literally die, than share this country with “Them”. As a result, most people in “red states” are subconsciously or overly racist, especially against dark-skinned people.
Intimidation and Violence
Almost all domestic terrorists are White Supremacist, White Nationalist, or Neo-Nazis… the vast majority of whom reside in “red states”. They believe that the USA is for White Christian Males only, and everyone else should be second-class, stripped of their voting rights… in the case of Latinos, deported, and in the case of negros, exterminated or returned to slavery. Also, these people purchase and own a lot of firearms and ammunition, in hopes that they will someday be allowed to legally and openly murder anyone they deem not a “real American”. That it so say, they want another Civil War.
Fake Christians and Hypocrisy
They are hyper-religious, but not in a “Jesus Loves Everyone” way. They are religious in a “Jesus Loves You But Only If You Are In Our Tribe” way. They often seek to hurt or disenfranchise people who are not part of their tribe, that is, anyone who is “different”. In the case of physical violence against “The Other”, “red state Christians” will claim “God” told them to do it. Most “red state Christians” share the same view as white domestic terrorists. People in “red states” have twisted Christianity into hatred and evil, without shame, and with the full support of many wealthy donors across America.
It also happens that these people ALSO elect and control politicians. The very same “public servants” who make decisions that affect the ENTIRE country.
Taking these awful characteristics into consideration, is it any wonder that the COVID19 Pandemic will continue raging across the entire for the foreseeable future? Even while other countries get their cases under control and return to semi-normalcy?
This “United” States is devolving into a classic Failed State.
Let me paint a (sordid) picture for you. We have daily mass shootings. Global terrorism. Sexual assaults both legitimate and imagined. Needless and baffling political divisions, the rise of reality-denying cults and neo-Nazis. Tribal conflicts based on language, creed, phenotypical expressions, and even choices of entertainment!
To any functional, cognitively sound adult who has some global awareness, NONE of this is news.
And yet we continue just talking about these things. We just talking and fucking tweeting about this shit! Mainstream media outlets – even the legitimate ones – are still beholden to corporate interests, so they continue spread misinformation and fear, not exploring solutions. Meanwhile, said corporate interests and their Pet Politicians sit back and profit off the Fear and Chaos.
The human race is busy treating symptoms when we SHOULD be attacking the disease. The disease is a suite of obsolete evolutionary instincts. Our world’s leading neuroscientists – backed by appropriate funding – should be researching and developing Cognitive Adjustments (or whatever they decide to call it). Basically we need to get to a point where we have the following drugs and treatments:
Adjust (“nerf”) the Fear Centers of adult humans indefinitely. This shall reduce xenophobia, which is the main cause of racism, while increasing the rates of cross-tribal cooperation. Cuz seriously, this destructive “in group, out group” bias has GOT. TO. GO.
Fun fact: Kids have the POTENTIAL to be xenophobic, but aren’t. Kids could be close-minded, but aren’t. They learn all that anti-humanist shit from fuckin’ ADULTS. Close-mindedness and racism are 99.99% “nurture”.
Reduce the libido of pubescent humans, for about 7 years. This shall reduce or eliminate sex-crimes related, especially in college. Enough with the fraternity sex parties and rapes. Enough.
Imagine how much more college kids can get done, when not filing lawsuits, defending against them, or going to therapy.
Shut down the libido of adult humans for about 12 hours – basically the length of a workday + commute time. This shall serve to reduce/eliminate workplace harassment. We do NOT need any more Employment Whatever Right lawyers making money off of lonely horny human coworkers who simply dared to attempt courtship or dating in an environment in which they spend 90% of their youthful and vital years.
Yeah fuck this bullshit. The modern workplace is no longer safe for finding a spouse, so we need to shut it all down, no exceptions.
Adjust the part of the brain that controls hunger and satiety. This shall reduce needless greed, and possibly cure eating disorders. This would also address OTHER forms of substance addiction and abuse! Not to mention, a boon for the clothing and fashion industry.
Diets don’t work, especially when society is flooded with high-Fructose Corn Syrup and other slow-acting toxins. NOTHING can fix greed except the tools of Science and Technology.
Predictably, some people will clap back with “We just need to teach people Empathy and Self-Control, and over time, attitudes will change for the better”. Well, how’s that been working out so far? IT HASN’T. It CANNOT. That’s the whole POINT.
Education (“changing attitudes”) takes hundreds of generations, and is prone to major setbacks like re-education. Here’s a very clear and topical example: as of the day this article was published, there is a concerted push in the USA by some fearful xenophobic racist motherfuckers to erase or ignore parts of history from the textbooks, or act like those events didn’t ripple into the current day! Can you BELIEVE these disingenuous shit-heads? Anyway.
Evolution is even slower, taking MILLIONS of years, and is of course based on Natural Selection. To wit: even today, look around you… you will see shitty, regressive peoplegetting their choice of mates, making offspring, and passing their shitty attitudes on to the next generation along with their genetics. Their evolutionary instincts STILL guide their behavior, while more “civilized” progressive individuals might NEVER even meet a mate or procreate at all.
Meanwhile, modern human civilization and progressive attitudes – including aversion to war, condemnation of slavery, AND all the current “extreme woke” bullshit going on – has been around for JUST about 2,000 years. That’s like, a blink of an eye by societal development time scales.
No contest: We simply cannot rely on Education or Natural Selection to course-correct our species. The simple fact is, human societies have advanced far beyond our relatively underdeveloped brains’ ability to adapt.
Our greatest strength is ALSO our greatest roadblock to greatness.
First was the Cognitive Revolution, then came the Agricultural Revolution, the Industrial Revolution, and now some would say we are now in the Information Revolution. We have to at least TRY to jumpstart the next Sapiens revolution, else we risk stagnation and eventual self-destruction. We have to try SOMETHING, cuz right now – per the very first paragraph of this article – shit is kinda fucked, yo. Our evolutionary instincts continue to thwart our attempts to be a more civilized species.
We have to use our brains, to FIX our brains. It’s an interesting paradox.
Yes, I know that mammalian biology and human psychology are incredibly complex. Yes, the human brain is still one of science’s Greatest Mystery. Yes, I know that even if the technology existed to do so, the Powers That Be would never allow these “profitable problems” fixed. Yes, I know I am just smoking crack and fantasizing at this point 🤓
However, can you imagine what Future Humans will achieve, once they’ve conquered all these vestigial and obsolete evolutionary traits and instincts? Once they’ve broken free of these cerebral shackles holding the entire species back from true greatness?
Just imagine that amazing future, yo… just imagine.
In early June, I had quite the experience with Chase Bank. This article is simply the letter I sent them – both via email and via USPS to their P.O. Box. Clearly they are too cowardly and low-key don’t want to talk to their customers… they just want to hold our money and leech of it as much as possible, while giving the bare minimum of service.
Read to the end for a quick retrospective. Of course, all names have been redacted, for privacy and legal reasons.
Jul 8, 2021
Greetings Chase Bank,
I am one of your account holders, writing to describe my recent experiences at two separate JP Morgan branches around [city name redacted – call it “XJ”]. This letter gets a bit wordy, so kindly bear with me.
When I opened my business account some months ago, I was personally guided through it by [name redacted – call her “MH”] at the [branch name redacted – call it “GA”] branch. I showed up in my gym clothes (you’ll notice this pattern), she welcomed me professionally and had me sit in her office. She was very nice and pleasant, and she completely facilitated the opening of my account. I didn’t have to do anything with tellers or ATMs… “MH” went in and out, to and fro, got my signature where needed, and took care of everything for me. A few weeks later, I had a minor issue with the account… I emailed her directly, and she called me back with a resolution. Once again, she was nice, pleasant, polite, and highly personable (I cannot stress this enough). She made me feel VALUED, regardless of my account balance and my initial appearance when she first met me.
“GA” Branch
Fast forward to July 6th, 2021. I dropped by the “GA” Branch to purchase some Colombian Pesos for an upcoming trip. When I walked in, I was met with the staff hanging around. I asked to see “M”, and was told she doesn’t work there anymore. They asked what I needed, and I told them. Without even engaging fully with me and confirming my needs, the lead teller – later on I found out that his name is [name redacted – call him “NM”] – passively directed me to go do the foreign exchange at the airport.
I was slightly taken aback, since I’d imagine that banking staff SHOULD know that when it comes to Foreign Exchange, the most cost-effective approach has traditionally been to buy the ForEx at one’s own bank. I was also a bit put off by the indifference. However, I was en-route to an appointment, so I chose to not pursue the issue at that moment.
On my way back home, I went back to the “GA” branch and assertively told “NM” that I wanted to buy the Pesos at the branch, not at the airport where they have the worst rates and fees. After reminding me that it takes a few days to get the currency, he was glad to assist me execute the transaction. This time, he was attentive and professional. The next day, he called to let me know my order was ready for pickup. He said he’d be off the next day (July 8th), so I should ask for [name redacted – call her “KT”].
I came back to the “GA” Branch on July 8th to pick up my order, and I asked for “KT” the teller, just as instructed. I was quite jovial, if memory serves me! However, “KT” was NOT polite or pleasant. In fact, I got the distinct impression that I was bothering her. Undeterred, I presented her my Business Debit Card and the order receipt. She impolitely challenged me for my ID, which I had forgotten in the car. I offered to show her the copy on my phone, but she didn’t want that. However, a moment later she relented and brought my Pesos.
Ignoring the needless antagonism, I tried to follow up with questions about the Chase fees, but “KT” seemed rather irritated at my attempts to ask questions, and didn’t seem to understand. Nor did she even TRY to understand. I wanted to understand why I asked for a full $100 worth of Pesos but got charged $86.94 (and given back the change). However she sounded rather unhelpful and a bit defensive, as if she thought I was accusing her of something.
Since I am a non-confrontational person, I opted to disengage from “KT”, and asked the security/lobby person for whoever is “MH”‘s replacement. Turns out it was another “NM” – coincidentally they have same first name in the same branch – however he was busy with other customers. So I sat and waited. A few minutes later, the branch manager brought me into her office. Once again, the pleasantry was minimal-to-non-existent, and once again she couldn’t explain Chase’s Foreign Exchange process and the numbers therein. However, to her credit, she did get on the phone and try to put me in touch with someone “higher up” who could help me with these things over the phone. She was unsuccessful – I’d still have to go through the teller to get more info or buy more Pesos. I gave up on that line of inquiry, and instead requested she convert my stack of $20 bills to $100 bills. Once again she said I’d have to go to the teller (“KT”), or – since I no longer felt comfortable dealing with “KT” – I could come back the next day to see “NM”. OR, I could do it myself at the in-lobby ATM.
Frustrated and slightly baffled at this semi-unprofessional “hands-off” treatment, I opted to use the ATM. It took me a LONG while, and I had to MANUALLY request assistance, but I finally got my 20s turned into 100s.
“MH” would probably have not let me go through all this, spending so much time on simple transactions and basic questions. I severely miss the brand new banking relationship I was developing with “MH”. It seems no one can tell me why she left or where she went.
I left the “GA” branch without placing a 2nd ForEx order, I opened the Chase Bank app, looked up the [branch name redacted – call it “WN”] Branch, and drove there.
“WN” Branch
At the “WN” Branch, the person at the lobby welcomed me professionally. When I got to the teller – I forgot her name, but I think her name tag started with “Db” so let’s call her “Db” for now – I made my request. When “Db” entered the numbers into her screen, the results were vastly off-mark. She told me that for $205 I’d get 50,000COP. I gently tried to explain this massive discrepancy to her, but she got very defensive, and insisted that she’s done this many times, and “it is what it is”. She even showed me the screen, where I could see that something was OBVIOUSLY incorrect. “Db” was clearly not familiar with Foreign Exchange, and she was unwilling to admit that perhaps she didn’t have the necessary training after all. Twice, I had to gently insist on finding someone else. “Db” threw a bad attitude, then huffily transferred me to the other teller [name redacted – call her “SC”].
“SC” was far more personable. She entered my request and came back with a more reasonable amount (700,000COP). Even after “SC” visually showed “Db” where she’d gone wrong with the ForEx ordering software, “Db” never acknowledged her mistake nor offered any kind of apology for being borderline rude to me (the customer)! I was standing right there, with a half-smile on my face, half-waiting for acknowledgement that never came.
It does make one wonder how many other customers have ordered Foreign currency at “Db”s window, and gotten the incorrect amounts. Have people complained or sued for the discrepancies?
In any case, I paid for the order in cash. “SC” took a while counting my money, because the needlessly-complicated cash-counting machine jammed twice. In fact we discovered a crushed and tattered $100 bill inside (fortunately not mine). The staff unanimously acknowledged that those machines are trash, by the way… just side-note.
With “SC” help, I finished my order and left.
I find it necessary to point out that, throughout all these interactions at both branches, I never raised my voice, nor did I accuse anyone of anything… I kept a neutral/light tone, and most times a slight smile on my face – a practiced performance and demeanor rooted squarely in the fear of being treated as an undesirable stereotype based on my outward appearance and volume. I was in gym clothes – I’m fairly active so when I’m outside running errands, there’s generally a non-zero chance that I’m either coming back from, or going to, exercise. So, In light of the current socio-political climate, I hope I don’t need to wear a metaphorical mask, “pad” my account with zeros, or dress up in “business attire” whenever I visit Chase Bank, just so I can be treated with appropriate professionalism instead of being considered a random nuisance. I’ve held accounts with Chase for decades at a time… I’ve NEVER known Chase Bank to have bad customer service… till now!
Summary
By sending you this letter, I’m NOT trying to get anyone fired or “cancel culture” anyone (my fellow Liberals on Twitter have lost their collective minds). However I hope this helps you understand your “XJ”-area branches a bit more, the challenges that I and certainly other customers face, and perhaps help your PR and HR departments craft a retraining/rehiring methodology to course-correct and mitigate risks of such markedly unsatisfactory customer experiences. If you’re curious as to what I THINK the focus of retraining or course-correction should be, I’d suggest 3 major areas:
1. Foreign Exchange (General, Chase-specific, and the actual Software!)
2. Recognizing and Mitigating Subconscious Biases
3. Hospitality and Communication
You guys could also re-think those super-complicated, super-high-tech, “facade of job security” cash-counting machines. Maybe let Corporate know that they – the machines – might be more trouble and cost than they’re worth. Whatever happened to the simple old-timey hand-crank cash-counting boxes, backed up by a sane and sensible human re-counting and verifying by hand?
Foreign Exchange Questions
You’re probably wondering, “Well, what was the big deal about the ForEx stuff? What were you frustrated trying to find out?”
1. What’s the most cost-effective way for customers to buy foreign currency pre-travel?
2. Why couldn’t I buy the currency with a SPECIFIC dollar amount… why the $86.94 and $199.01?
3. What’s the Chase Bank fee for these transactions?
Since no one at the branches even TRIED to help me figure these things out (I miss “MH”!), I did my own analysis based on just the 2 purchases. My informed guesses are:
1. Buying at the bank is best, since they generally stick with global ForEx rates
2. JP Morgan Chase sells Foreign Currency in “tiers”, which seem to be round numbers. So for example I couldn’t get $100 worth of Pesos, because the closest “tier” is 300,000COP (for $86.94), while the 2nd transaction’s closest tier is 700,000COP (for $199.01)
3. With some basic math (see 3rd screenshot at the bottom of this letter), it looks like Chase Bank charges ~10% for the 300K tier, and ~8% for the 700K tier. Therefore, it’s more cost-effective for customers to order a higher tier of currency.
Do these answers sound about right? Please, validate my assumptions/findings, tweak or correct them so that I can be a more efficient Chase Bank customer moving forward.
That’s all I wanted to tell you. Since you made it this far, thank you for your attention to this. I eagerly await your response!
Sincerely,
[name and contact info redacted – call me AlterNative African]
PS: Perhaps adding the above “Foreign Exchange nitty gritty” information to the staff retraining can go a long way towards greater Customer Satisfaction. Another suggestion: as part of training, offer all customer-facing staff a 1-time-only company-paid overseas trip, so that they get more familiar with Foreign Currency Exchange and how it all works.
[receipt 1 redacted]
[receipt 2 redacted]
As of publishing this article, I’m yet to hear back from Chase Bank. No surprise there… I’m just a 99-percenter off the street. Chase Bank and other big banks literally DGAF about folks like us.
One final comment: The person who took care of me (“MH”) was middle-eastern. The other people with whom I interacted… the ones who were unprofessional to me and kinda sh!tty at their jobs… well guess what demographic they were! Go ahead, take a few guesses. I’ll wait 😒
Last week I had yet another setback. Another case of trust, passive deceit, and eventual disappointment. I seem to have a lot of these. This is problematic.
I’ve had a regular handyman (let’s call him “D”), whom I met in mid-2020 right smack dab during the pandemic. “D” does good work, and I’ve recommended him to several other people. Basically everything was fine – and sometimes even fun. I didn’t think I could enjoy working and chatting with an ex-con, ex-druggie white-guy handyman who also happens to have a nerdy streak – collectible baseball cards, stock market, sci-fi movies/shows, Marvel and DC stuff – so it was quite “different” for me, in a rather nice way.
A few days ago “D” came by to finish up a minor project in my house. When he was done with the work, we had our habitual 5 minutes of casual chat as he wound down.
During THIS particular conversation, however, he made some assertions that gave me pause. I asked follow-up questions, and…Well, it turns out he’s a solid QAnon follower and reality-denier 😔
Some of his deeply-held (and sometimes contradictory) beliefs include: we didn’t put a man on the moon, Tr**p was a great president and did nothing wrong, the January 6th insurrection was set up by the Democrats and AntiFa, the pandemic was/is a hoax, Biden/Harris administration is destroying the country, and so on.
When I heard those answers, yes, I had brief moment of fear and panic.
I didn’t bother to dig deeper, because it was clear that he is one of those emotionally damaged, fully-entrenched reality-deniers – so my words and any appeals to the Scientific Method would be pointless. “You Cannot Reason People Out of Something They Were Not Reasoned Into“. I just kept quiet and played it cool for sake of my own sanity.
After that soul-crushing reveal, “D” left for the day, and I went back inside. I’m not gonna lie: I (a grown-ass man) was on the verge of tears. Tears of frustration and anger.
I’d let this person onto my property, into my house, into my bedrooms. I’d paid him money. Over time he’d endeared himself to me, and I thought I had a potential Friend… only to find out that he’s been cleverly concealing his reality-denying beliefs this whole time.
No matter how low I set my expectations, it seems “the hits keep on coming” in my life (this is a reality that I cannot deny). All this shit is why I have severe trust issues. I’m so fucking tired of being misled, deceived, flat out LIED to… or set up for abandonment.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve been the unwitting recipient of an ancient curse.
So I’m pretty sure my parents (inadvertently) sabotaged my future. Let me explain.
Some time ago in my very late-20s, I was passively engaged in a conversation with my parents. Eventually the conversation came around to remittances back to the home country. They expressed their appreciation for my occasional yet meaningful financial support. At one point my mother commented that I’m the only one of her children that doesn’t lie or make false promises… I’m a person of action, not just talk. She favorably compared me to my dad and other ancestors.
While complimenting me on my humility, financial prudence, consistency and trustworthiness, she said something like – and I paraphrase here, “You don’t get into trouble with women like your brothers, maybe God made you like this so you can be there for your parents”.
There was a lot of context around that casual conversation. Essentially they alluded to my lack of “sweet tongue” (romancing skills) and social skills being a blessing for THEM ☹️ All because my older brothers almost always allowed women (girlfriends, wives) to prevent them from executing their family obligations.
I didn’t think much of it, since at the time I was still optimistic about magically finding my lifelong African female partner, making my parents happy, and achieving some sense of “normal adult development” – AKA being a husband, dad, and Head of Household. Clearly my aspirations lean towards the mundane… I value Stability and Predictability.
However, in retrospect, I believe I was set up to fail from Day 1, from the very day I could read and write. Maybe not intentionally (or highly unlikely), but my parents definitely dropped the ball with my Normal Person Socialization skills. From my early teens and up, not only did they NOT allow me to learn “heterosexual male” skills and develop normally, they ACTIVELY controlled (or shut down) my attempts at socializing with other boys and of course ANY girls!
In one harrowing incident, my mother discovered a “love letter” that teenage me wrote to this one classmate on whom I had a crush. Unbeknownst to me, my mother took the letter from under my bed and brought it to school one day. She took it to my school principal, they located the girl, caused a scene, and proceeded to harass the poor girl… who had NO IDEA about ANY of this!
The girl NEVER spoke to me again, and I was the butt of jokes for the rest of the school term. It was probably the most shameful and emotionally traumatic event of my teenage schoolyears. Only “God” knows what kind of damage that did to my subconscious when it came to interacting with the opposite sex.
Oh, and get this. When I was about 16, merely a year before I was to be sent off the USA, my parents lied to me about where babies come from. They said something to the effect of, “We pray really hard, and God makes mommy’s tummy grow, just like he did with the Virgin Mary”.
I wish I was fucking kidding about ANY of this.
There were at least two more controlling/over-protection incidents, but I’ll leave things here for now.
I’m in mental anguish right now, so cannot write more about how my parents lied to me so much about this subject, and how I had to learn on my own – the hard way, stumbling and forever failing. That said, when I’m feeling less shitty, I’ll come back to edit and embellish this journal entry.
I suspect that these fucked-up incidents contributed heavily to my 1st ever attempt to end my life… on the train tracks behind our street.
In any case, the end-result of this lifetime of over-protection, control, and misinformation… is the person whose blog you’re currently reading: a formerly-joyous, now socially isolated, lonely, and very depressed shell of a middle-aged negro male. A disfluent, anxious person with extremely low self-esteem, socially awkward (even pre-COVID), forever being rejected by other humans, and constantly fantasizing about going to sleep and never waking up (cuz I’m still too chickenshit to “man up” and eat a bullet like American NRA Jesus intended).
Don’t get me wrong: I love my parents. My mother passed away from brain cancer despite everything I did to take save her. My blind elderly dad is going strong, though he never remarried (he has a caretaker). I don’t hate him or anything like that, nor do I hate my late mother… but I do resent their shitty religion-based overprotective moves, misinformation, and lies.
More to the point, I’m really angry at my own brain for being the way it is.
Largely because of my parents, I have severe trust issues. This has “tainted” just about every relationship I’ve tried, whatever the flavor… even if I’m ultimately right about people lying to me, “always anticipating being shit on” is not necessarily healthy (sometimes ignorance is bliss). I’ve cut out toxic and untrustworthy people – including my siblings – from my personal life. At this point I have no community and literally no one in my “genetic tribe” to whom I can safely vent about this deeply personal shit.
So I journal.
Despite how I sound sometimes, I AM trying to get better. Trying to salvage what’s left of a clearly misbegotten solo existence. It’s just that this particular topic hurts too much to write about. However, at my recent therapy session, my amazing counselor gave me some “push” to write, so I thought I’d “strike while the iron is hot”.
I have to stop here and go self-medicate into oblivion. More on this topic in future entries.
While doing dishes today, I suddenly had a minor epiphany. Which I thought I’d share with anyone who cares to “listen”.
In my middle age, AKA my post-reintegration phase of life, I realize yet ANOTHER reason I’m far more comfortable approaching or befriending white/Caucasian people than black/Negro or LatinX people.
White people are far less likely to ignore, dismiss, or outright reject me based on my lack of religiosity.
People who know me “from back in the day”, already know how I was always my authentic self. They can probably attest to my experiences: how even the worst negro dudes or most “ratchet” negro women (with nothing to offer, really) would STILL dismiss me when they realize I’m not a Religious Fanatic or Fake Christian like them and THEIR families. From all indications, they obviously place a premium on performance art and WORDS, not positive actions (or just being a Decent Human Being).
I mean, seriously… how are negro people not embarrassingly self-aware of this contradiction? They openly curse, lie, cheat, do other un-Christian things, and often INTENTIONALLY disrespect and hurt each other (physically AND emotionally)… and still claim to be “God-fearing”!?! When they encounter a person who’s about ACTION not just talk, they dismiss them. Negro women, for example, would LITERALLY rather engage with a lying, semi-literate, deadbeat single man who spouts empty religious platitudes and meaningless mythological nonsense, than accept a non-Religious (“Privately Spiritual”) man who focuses on Objective Reality and who’s quietly doing everything that Jesus Christ allegedly instructed.
Clearly, labels and words are more important to negro people, than actions and authenticity. I have a HUGE problem with that, and – I’d imagine – so does any sane and Decent Person.
Also, I just realized everything I said, applies to Republicans, White Supremacists, and Christian Nationalists. Different label, same paradoxical shit. I guess no single demographic has a monopoly on religious hypocrisy, and Cognitive Dissonance is a bitch. Human society developed far too quickly for Evolution to course-correct our fucked-up Sapiens brains. Oh well.
Anyway… Just like any other Sapiens individual with emotions, I’m fucking tired of rejection. So much so, that I’m basically a shut-in. After being fully-vaccinated, I’m yet to even attempt to REALLY socialize. However the day before I wrote this article, I ignored my trepidations and attended a small neighborhood brunch (9 people total), and as usual I was the only POC in the group. I had a pleasant time! The conversation “flowed”, and my stories/ideas/commentary about travel/science/lifestyle were met with similar stories, not mockery or attempts at shaming me for being non-stereotypical and non-religious.
Thing is, if it was a “black” or “African” event, I’d probably not even have clicked the Event link. And if I did attend, I highly doubt that I’d be treated with the same mix of genuine curiosity and mild-yet-seemingly-real acceptance… half a lifetime of attempted socializing with with negro people and their weird, self-hating, “crab-in-a-barrel” dynamics has opened my eyes to their general “ratchet-ness”.
A person can only be insulted or rejected – by “their own people” no less! – for a limited time. Eventually I have to “shut it down” and truly understand that I am unwanted by these people. And I have to behave accordingly – even proactively – to avoid more insults and needless rejection.
My only regret is that I learned all this shit so late in life.
I’m tired of swallowing my disgust and being “The Bigger Person”. Fuck Cultural Religiosity and all those hypocrites who use religion as a tool for misinformation, oppression, division, and hate. Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all with dynamite and a fuckin’ cherry on top.
Sometimes I really want to write about what’s going on in my head, but the internal voices and noises are too overwhelming. Too triggering. Too distracting. Voices of anger, resentment, hopelessness. What can I do when these other voices and memories pile up in my head, occluding my mental vision, preventing me from putting pen to paper (or “keyboard to document”)?
Not sure if there are any drugs or alternative psychiatric treatments that can address this. To help quiet the voices, help me focus on JUST one memory… but more importantly, to make me less emotionally sensitive, overall. Maybe lower my natural Empathy levels. Make me stop feeling or caring so much (or at all) about being reconnected with the rest of the Human race in any meaningful form.
What did people do before medical science and mood-altering therapies? Oh, right… they didn’t have TIME to be depressed… what with all the wars and daily trials and tribulations of survival. Good times, good times…
Reconnecting seems to be a dead-end for me anyway. Even without the COVID19 pandemic lockdown, I was largely “disconnected”, and not due to lack of trying to connect. However, statistically speaking not everyone was meant to “make it” in this life. And by “make it” I mean “be a acknowledged and mutually beneficial part of a community, the Homo Sapiens way”.
No matter what we do or say, no matter how well we try to live our lives, no matter how decent we live, no matter how much positive messages we try to spread, statistically, some of us are simply destined to live unremarkable lives, mostly as lonely hermits, eventually dying alone, and subsequently forgotten within days. Evidently I’m one of those individuals… Just like countless other random, unremarkable individuals throughout human history.
if I had my way, this video would be played at every school classroom across the world, at least once a semester.
Not everyone can be “normal” or “fit in”, that’s just a statistical fact. Numbers don’t care about our feelings, and the universe never promised Fairness. Obviously.
I don’t have to like the facts, but it is better to acknowledge and deal with the Harsh Reality of Mismatched Expectations and being Misled to Failures, than to wallow in the False Hopes and Dreams of an alternate timeline.
I’d just like some “substances” or procedures to help me get there, and STAY there with a smile on my face.
So my 18-year old American-black tenant finally showed her true colors… and boy were they quite ugly 😧
I had been quite nice to this person, whom I’ll refer to as “The Kid” for purposes of this article. We even watched cartoons together a few times. One night, after she pleaded with me heavily, against my better judgement I loaned her my bike, which she – surprise surprise – ended up damaging. I didn’t pursue the issue, because I figured I deserved it, because I didn’t listen to my inner voice which was practically shouting “do not loan anything valuable to this person”.
That was totally my bad.
By mid-April, long after rent was due, The Kid still owed $100, which included a $25 late fee. She had changed jobs, and was struggling a bit to make ends meet. When I inquired about the remainder of rent, she indicated that she’ll pay the rest when she gets paid at the end of April. I understood these things, and was willing to work with her. I was willing, even though she never formally requested an extension, requested a change to the contract, nor did she show appreciation for my patience and flexibility, like other people would. Not once did she offer to do anything extra around the house, to make up for rent being late. In fact, her attitude was that of Typical American-black Woman attitude, very entitled, and RUDE, basically saying she’d given me all she had, and I should stop asking.
She was talking and behaving as if I wasn’t the house owner. As if she hadn’t signed a contract.
But that wasn’t the main issue, after all, $100 won’t make or break my finances for a month. On multiple occasions, The Kid showed a blatant disregard for the rules of the household, violating one or more parts of the Tenant Rules and Responsibilities as outlined in the Rental Agreement as well as verbal discussions. For example, she didn’t empty and bag the room’s trash can, raising the risk of vermin. She would also sometimes leave her dirty dishes in the sink, as if I was her maid or some shit. She also barely did her share of household chores – she cleaned the shared bath tub ONCE, and only by my prompting. She never vacuumed, mopped, or cleaned anything else. Not even – I found out later- her own room 😐
Every time I reminded her of these responsibilities, I did so calmly, with patience and kindness, and sometimes even a touch of humor.
Reminder: Rent, Late Fees, Tenant Responsibilities… these were all outlined in the Rental Agreement… which she said – to my face – that she read, fully understood, and had no additional questions.
I guess American-black women need to learn to READ the fucking contract BEFORE signing.
On April 17th, 2021 around 11:50am, I called her down to the kitchen and attempted – using my normal calm tone and standard “Inside Voice” – to discuss these household issues as well as the rent payment options for both April and moving forward. I was trying to show understanding and kindness, while using the Rental Agreement as a Common Baseline. However, the moment I brought up the subject, The Kid became belligerent and proceeded to start shouting at me, using a lot of profanity and extreme disrespect, saying I should stop asking her about the $100 owed, and the household responsibilities. In her rant, she also expressed dissatisfaction with the house’s physical location, as well as the house maintenance expectations. She repeatedly and angrily compared me to her mother.
I was taken aback, and I gently asked her if she felt it’s OK to talk to her landlord in such a disrespectful and rude manner, yet she persisted. Despite my patience, I could not get another word in edgewise. Within her rant, she insinuated bodily harm against me, alluding to doing the same with other people who have made her “angry”. I was shocked, but I did not respond for fear of escalation. Instead, I calmly told her that her tenancy in my house is no longer viable, and I quietly walked away from the kitchen (de-escalation).
Not ONCE did I raise my voice or yell at her, which is most likely what she’s accustomed to, like most hood rats.
The Kid had finally showed her true colors: ghetto attitude, inability to understand contractual obligations, possible illiteracy, and inability to appreciate the living space and situation. I’d had enough, and needed her gone from my sanctuary.
The very next day, I filed a police report and got an Incident Number – I figured in case things escalate, I’d like the cops to know that when I feared for my safety, I notified someone and asked someone for help. Next, I served her the legally-mandated Notice to Quit. Finally, I set up my bodycam, which I wore whenever she was in the house and I had to use the common areas. For the 2 remaining weeks, I felt like a hostage in my own house.
Finally, much to my relief, she vacated my property on the agreed-upon day, without further incident.
I couldn’t find a royalty-free pic that didn’t refer to the Bible, sorry. But you get the point, though.
Here are the bits of knowledge I gleaned during this obese, disrespectful ghetto 18-year old’s stay in my house.
She has a history of being neglected by her parents. Or – more likely – her parents got tired of dealing with her bad attitude and disrespect, and just let her go find happiness elsewhere. Same reason I left my disloyal 2nd wife, actually LOL.
Like millions of fellow Americans, The Kid also suffers from anxiety and depression, and takes anti-psychotic medication.
As the massive obesity indicates, she has a major substance abuse problem – a severe fructose and sugar addiction. All she ever ate was candy, brownies, ice cream, French fries, pop tarts, soda, and juice. Not once did I see this Kid eat anything even closely related to actual food… not even rice, meat, beans, or eggs, and definitely no fruits of vegetables of any kid. Several times she referred to my groceries (eggs, wheat bread, deli meats, spinach) as “fancy stuff”. At least twice during her stay, I worried that she would suffer a pulmonary embolism and die while under my roof!
I rented to this Kid based on human empathy and wanting to “give people a chance”. I wanted to treat someone how I’d have liked to be treated, back in the day in California when I was struggling in the transition from youth to adulthood. Obviously I made a horrible mistake renting out one of my rooms to this particular person, especially without a thorough background and reference check. Similar to how very few American-black women (in particular) can recognize and appreciate a Good Partner, only a few American-black people (in general) can recognize or appreciate a quiet, private, well-equipped, clean, safe, stable, secure, drama-free living space for low rent… a perfect spot for when they’re trying to get established without worrying about living conditions.
My inner voice has been telling me for decades, “Stop throwing pearls to swine“… I REALLY need to pay more attention to my natural instincts.
Let me address the elephant in the room. If you’re reading this article and thinking to yourself, “Wait, you’re a middle-aged African dude, professional, educated, taxpaying homeowner in pretty good shape for your age… why would you let an 18-year old push you around like that? Are you a coward or fag or something? LMAO!”
My response is, first of all, shut your fuckingToxic Masculinity-spewingmouth. Second of all, just think about how it’d look if I’d lowered myself to her level. Think about how it’d look if I got into a shouting match with her, or got physical with her. Think about how it’d look to other adults if I’d “slapped the taste out of her mouth” for speaking to me the way she did. Also, if cops had been called in the heat of the moment, think about the scenario from a RESPONDING POLICE OFFICER perspective. Think about my gender and skin color, and think about the current sociopolitical atmosphere.
I think you KNOW what the outcome would have been, if I had NOT taken the High Road on this.
So stop with the “Oh you’s a weak-ass nyigguh, can’t even deal with an 18-year old fat ghetto bitch, cuh!”, cuz you know damn well if this had happened in Africa, it’d be a completely different response and outcome. Yes, there would definitely be a beating. Probably several beatings. She’d likely be shunned from the local community and forever marked as “trouble”.
The adults of my culture do NOT fuck around with disrespectful youths like that. So trust me, I’m no angel, but this IS America: we have Rule of Law, which IS enforced (at least against us un-connected, wage-slave 99-percent randos off the street).
So before you accuse me of being “weak”, take into context the culture and legal system in which I LIVE. Slapping the kids head CLEAN OFF would have landed me in prison, therefore I literally had no other reasonable choice BUT to take the High Road in this scenario.
Finally, there’s one piece of good news through all this – I can add a couple of notches to my Personal Growth.
You know how some people get assaulted (usually sexually), abused, or ripped off… and when they report or talk about it, they get inevitably victim-blamed?
Well I used to understand this on an intellectual level, only. Part of me was still slightly skeptical about the victim’s claims, especially if there was a lot of “he-said, she-said”. Part of my mind would be like, “Well why was he dating an abusive woman?” or “Why did she stay so long wit an abusive man?” or “Well why did she dress like THAT when she went to THAT kind of party?” or, in this case, “Why did s/he rent a room in their private residence to an obviously shady, delinquent, uncouth, ghetto kid”… without even doing a background check?
Well, no more. That “Well, why did s/he…” devil’s advocate crap is GONE from my mental vocabulary! NOW I know how it feels to be victim-blamed – and low-key shamed – for all-too-human errors in judgement. Now I know that feeling REALLY well.
Another realization: You know how some senior citizens seem to be rather irritable, cold, “mean”, always suspicious of everyone at first? Sure, some of them are just flat-out old-school xenophobic, but some of them have legitimate Trust issues due to shit like what I just went through.
