I Had Malaria

One year before migrating to the United States, I contracted Malaria. Not for the first time, mind you…! Must have been my 5th time, I think. I lost track after TWO of my schoolmates died over the holidays from this awful disease.

Just a quick background: Malaria is a life-threatening disease caused by a nasty little parasite called Plasmodium Falciparum, carried by female Anopheles mosquitoes, and injected into us via mosquito bites. Malaria is highly preventable and fairly treatable.

80+ Silly Mosquito Jokes ideas | mosquito, jokes, relatable
At least those who survived, you parasite-transmitting bitch!😂

Have you ever had Malaria, though? It’s quite nasty. It usually starts out with intense, consistent, pounding headaches. Then a VERY high fever, so hot your eyeballs feel like boiling eggs. Your clothes start feeling damp and sticky from the buckets of sweat you’re exuding.

While the fever tries to burn out the invader, here comes the involuntary full-body shivering as your body reacts to the self-generated fever. Waves of intermittent painful shivering, with occasional localized convulsions sprinkled in for good measure.

Loss of appetite, nausea at the mere THOUGHT of food. Whatever food you DID eat earlier, comes back up via lots of vomiting, plus a little diarrhea if you’re even more unlucky. You struggle to swallow anything, even water.

My friend vomiting RIGHT NEXT TO THE TOILET: drunk
You might not even make it to the toilet sometimes.

Within 24 hours you have full-body aches, pains, dizziness, disorientation, and even vertigo. Physical weakness so bad, you need support merely getting up and walking to use the bathroom. You spend a LOT of time under thick blankets, drifting in and out of a confused stupor.

Child Sick with Malaria & AIDS | High-Quality People Images ~ Creative  Market
Holding your head won’t make it stop pounding. Sorry, bud.

With every wave of shivers and convulsions, you literally feel your body wasting away. Paradoxically, obese people have the upper hand here, because they have much more mass to lose before the wasting reaches their vital organs. Their “cushion” is literal AND metaphorical!

Having the full set of Malaria symptoms, is basically the closest a human being can come to violent spontaneous combustion, without actually bursting into literal flames.

Investigators say spontaneous combustion to blame for Springfield fire
“Told you he was running a fever, doc!”

Oh but wait, there’s more! A symptom that almost no doctor or medical textbook mentions: the straight-up demonic hallucinations, yo!

Sleep Paralysis: What Was That Thing in My Room? | Sleep Cycle
If you sleep in that “coffin” position, yo’ ass DESERVES to be haunted.

They vary from person to person, and they can be anything at all based on religious beliefs, superstitions, and just general unique brain chemistry. And they occur spontaneously, whether your eyes are open or closed. Closed is worse, trust me.

NightTerrors: Rodney Ascher's Sleep Paralysis Doc 'The Nightmare' Gets a  Release Date! - World of Wonder | Creepy gif, Ghost stories, Creepy
What can I say? Sometimes shit be just fucked-up, LMAO

My point is, that this Plasmodium parasite is one baaaad motherf(shut yo’ mouf!) – but I’m talking ’bout Plas (can you dig it)?

Malaria: Symptoms, Complications, and Treatment
This doesn’t show the hallucinations, but just use your imagination.

To nobody’s surprise, Malaria was – and still is – among the world’s deadliest diseases, and currently still among the top causes of death in many tropical regions across the globe. Fortunately, we humans know how to deal with it.

Oh, and if you survive a bout with Malaria, there’s the MASSIVE weight loss. Y’know… from all that involuntary calorie-burning. Between malaria and tapeworms, all obese Westerners who REALLY want to lose unwanted fat, should really consider living in a malaria hotspot country for a few months! Fuck the health risks, why isn’t this a big business yet? Just sayin’… someone needs to get on that ish and make some money!

Top 10 Richest Fraudsters In Nigeria Richer Than DANGOTE & BUHARI - YouTube
“As a goof, we told wealthy FAT Westerners that they could lose weight quickly by getting Malaria on purpose. Look at all this fuckin’ money they paid us.”

So anyway… why did I write this article? No particular reason… maybe self-therapy, I guess? I hope you were at least somewhat entertained, and maybe even learned something. I’d like to hear from you, so comment below, let me know! Meanwhile, never forget there exist some worse diseases out there. This cheeky young fellow understands 😅👇🏾

It's just Malaria | Funny Pics | Funnyism Funny Pictures
Because when it comes to tropical diseases, things could ALWAYS be worse.