Some Reasons To Be Grateful

In the face of all the rampant awfulness that was and is 2020 and 2021 (I’m grouping them together, because, let’s face it, they’re basically the same)… and in the midst of my ongoing Severe Anxiety and near-fatal Clinical Depression, something occurred to me.

Things could be worse.

Things could be FAR worse.

So with that in mind, I decided to take a break from my normal deluge of negative, disillusioned, resentful, depression-fueled, angry rants… to acknowledge and talk about the GOOD things. To talk about the things that ARE going well in my life. Y’know… positive sh!t for a change 😅

Hard to believe, but I used to be a chronically happy person! Hopefully, in time, I can reclaim some of that positive energy.

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I Have My Physical Health

From my scalp, to my neck, torso, wang, butthole, eyes, ears, heart, lungs, GI tract, endocrine system, bone marrow… Everything is in fine working condition, both inside AND outside! Biology is extremely complex and imperfect, of course… I have minor physical “issues” here and there, but nothing extraordinary that can’t be resolved with occasional stretching, better skin lotion, dietary tweaks, or a couple of Tylenols and a full night’s sleep.

Sure, when I started my Health and Fitness Journey at age 28, I had “additional reasons” for getting and staying fit. However, even though that simple “dream” never came to fruition, it IS nice to hear my doctor(s) say after each annual Comprehensive Medical Evaluation, “Hey your Numbers look GREAT for your age! Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!” 👨🏾‍⚕️🩺👍🏾

Despite my genetic risk of both arthritis (courtesy of my late mom) and high blood pressure (courtesy of my very geriatric dad), I have neither condition. In fact, I have no chronic physical illnesses to speak of. Even with regular visits to my local gym and the grocery store – not exactly quarantine – the last time I was literally physically ill was pre-pandemic in December 2019. And THAT was just a 1-day cold, likely exacerbated by mental fatigue and Severe Depression.

I invested in my health earlier in my life, and it’s clearly paying off later. My physical body remains fairly fit, potentially enabling me to salvage my twilight years and see more of the world, post-pandemic. I’m warming up to the idea of to being an “Elderly African Adventurer”, hiking some mountain trail in a far-away continent! And for that, I am grateful.

Just Photoshop in a loyal doggo to this photo, and my geriatric dream will be complete.

I Can still Make Friends

Just before this awful pandemic shut the world down, I was recovering from my Failed Black Reintegration Project. I was starting to socialize again, but without focusing on any specific demographic (I’m not making THAT mistake again)! Absent that misguided self-imposed pressure, I started being “noticed” by other human beings again. I was seen, liked, and appreciated. I was being invited to things. I was making human connections. I was publicly laughing along with others. I was dating.

I started to realize that “Hey… I’m might not be as hideous or unlikeable as (that other demographic) made me feel. In fact, I’m barely hideous or unlikeable at all! I’m Generally An Alright Fella, one that just happened to foolishly keep trying to be friends with (the wrong demographic)!”

And then the world shut down 😞 So that put a hard stop to organic physical socialization.

However, even during the worst of this fucking pandemic, I still managed to virtually connect with a nice, empathetic author in Toronto (lemme just call her “N” for sake of privacy). It was a totally random Twitter exchange that somehow blossomed into a virtual human connection. Over a year later, amidst countless texts, tweets, Zoom calls, and mutually supportive phone conversations, I came to realize that “N” is officially my very first Virtual/Remote Friend! Someone who is – and still is – “present”. Someone who delivers some “tough love”, but ALSO regularly reminds me that there IS value in my existence and friendship, both with her (obviously) and possibly other people in the post-pandemic future!

This regular human contact inspired me to develop and refine my new Personal Motto in early 2020: Those Who Like You, Might Not LOOK Like You, And That’s OK! (I’ll let you guys know when I get it printed on T-shirts) 😁👍🏾

I still have the potential to be “seen” by other humans, to hold some positive value for them regardless of phenotype and regardless of the type and length of the relationship. And for that, I am grateful.

I certainly hope that when I’m totally old and grey, I still have a full set of original teeth like these gentlemen seem to have!

I’m Not Sleeping On The Streets (Anymore)

Not long after I relocated to the USA, I spent some really difficult weeks in 1992 being homeless in the Bay Area (California), sleeping at random spots including train stations or under peoples’ staircases, pounding the pavement looking for work, reading whatever used books I could find, and strategically spending the coins that random passers-by tossed into my empty McDonalds soda cup.

Fast forward to today – many jobs and fiscally prudent decisions later – I’m writing this article from a consolidated SOHO/bedroom in my fairly large 3-bedroom house, which I semi-facetiously call my “Luxury Private Prison” during this pandemic-isolation times. It is equipped with everything a person in a Modern Developed Nation could need, and then some. It’s not perfect by any means… my basement needs finishing, and some minor aged plaster needs to be redone, but my solar panels are producing, and my new pine fence is “on fleek” (are the kids still saying that? I lost track) 😅 and most importantly, I’m still living within a reasonable budget, which means I could afford to be unemployed for an entire year without being late on my mortgage payments!

These days, when I see homeless people out there on the cold streets, I am often reminded of my history. I’m also much more empathetic, and far less predisposed to “judging” them for perceived or assumed “moral failings”.

I’ve gone from being on the streets without a roof over my head, to having “too much house for one person”, as a few individuals have semi-facetiously noted. In any case, it’s better than being on the streets again. And for that, I am grateful.

Fun fact: While homeless, walking everywhere looking for work, I wore out my first pair of professional (“grown up”) shoes.

I’m a Sapient Human Being

This last one is a bit more nebulous, but I’ll try to explain. Experts all over the world have been working on this, but as of yet, we still do not know what consciousness is. We still do not know what made the advanced hominids we now call Homo Sapiens Sapiens develop Consciousness, and we still do not know where it is located, or how it really works. Is it the same as sapience? Is it an emergent property of our highly complex brains? Is it connected to a yet-undiscovered extra-spatial dimension? Is it something “spiritual”, gifted us by some unseen, unknowable Higher Power? Is it all of the above, or something else entirely? We simply do not know (yet).

However, as far as we DO know, Human Beings are the ONLY life form that even thinks about this stuff! Assuming that what we call “thought” is truly absent in other lifeforms, we are the only species whose brain tries to understand itself and the enormous, practically infinite Cosmos in which it resides. I dunno about you, but I think that sh!t is amazing, you guys!

But to what end? Well, absent any evidence to the contrary, I strongly believe that Life – in particular sapient life AKA Humans – are The Universe’s Way Of Understanding Itself. I believe that if the human race doesn’t go extinct, our far-future descendants shall reach a Higher Level of Understanding, bringing the species even closer to unlocking more secrets of the Universe.

Just think about it. That’s dope as hell! 😃✌🏾 And I just happen to be part of THIS statistically unlikely and incredible demographic on this tiny blue planet? Without any discernable rhyme or reason? Shhiiiii. For that, dear readers, I am TRULY grateful.

Yo, dawg… I heard you like deep thoughts…

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Obama and Harris Don’t Count

Let’s be honest, our new (and awesome) Vice President Kamala Harris made this journey and got the job because of her south-Asian half, AND because she’s “white-presenting”. Her “black” side is actually Jamaican.

Similarly, former and most awesome President Barack Obama is mixed Caucasian and Kenyan. He’s fairly light-skinned, and of course, very white-presenting in his appearance and ways.

Neither of these individuals are fully “black”, and they are definitely not American-black – the descendants of slaves. That is, in fact, their saving grace… the reason they were able to achieve what they did.

Make no mistake, there do exist Full-Negro people who strive to buck the stereotype, make better choices, and spread positive energy/resources in their personal and professional lives. Sure, some are in the limelight (like Stacey Abrams of that shit hole southern state called Georgia), but even those who don’t get that camera time, statistically still exist! I have been personally blessed to encounter, read about, and see some Good Ones with my own eyes – I fully acknowledge and support their existence.

However, their numbers seem vanishingly small, compared to the overall demographic’s population. It looks to me like the overwhelming majority of Fully American-black people are total n-words. They are the worst kind of negro. Very rarely do they do good for themselves, let alone society at large. They habitually eschew Basic Academics, Critical Thought, and concepts like Gender Equality, Emotional Intelligence, Interpersonal Communication, and Mental Health. Instead, they self-oppress. Even when presented with better options, they choose to be – among other things – thugs, slick fraudsters, and “ratchet” THOTs. ESPECIALLY the women. Even the “more or less harmless” ones tend to cling to “magical thinking”, using Religion as a “catch all” for their unflinching ignorance.

They self-oppress, then blame it ALL on White Supremacy. As if some racist white man is FORCING them at gun-point to eat poisonous fast food all day, make babies with pants-sagging thugs, or aggressively pursue gold-digging THOTs.

This is not mere conjecture. I speak from experience. Painful, demoralizing, damn-near-debilitating experience. I spent 16 fuckin’ years attempting to reintegrate with black people (including those fucked-up ignorant and/or Americanized African immigrants). I observed – first-hand and with increasing alarm and sadness – how regressively they think and behave. Simply put, American-black people – and their fucked-up African versions – Can’t Have Nice Things, because they do not WANT Nice Things!

Barack Obama, Kamala Harris, Senator Booker, Stacey Abrams, my man-crush Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the relatively small but Definitely Alive Somewhere population of Truly Progressive “black” people… these people seem to be exceptions. However each of them is exceptional because they are NOT “fully negro”.

I think you see where I am going with this. American-blacks – the ones descended from slaves – are a Failed Demographic.

If it were at all possible, I’d like to see 99% of American-black women (and their fucked-up African versions) between ages 21 and 35 sterilized and then exiled.

To the bottom of the Marianas fuckin’ Trench.

I Lost A Friend To Mental Illness and the Far Right

Long time ago in the early-aughts, a coworker and I became legitimate friends… hanging out after work, having game night with shared acquaintances, and so on.

For sake of confidentiality, let’s call this friend “T”.

After I left the state, “T” and I kept in touch… traveled across the country to visit each other a few times, supporting each other over the phone during tough times, being Professional References, y’know… Man-Bro Legitimate Friend stuff. Even though we both lived on opposite coasts, we were pretty tight.

I knew he was a theist, he had an affinity for conspiracy theories, and he was a tad homophobic. However, the first was fine with me, since I was a former theist anyway. The second made him merely eccentric. The third was, well… understandable by Conservative Christian standards.

Over time, but especially after a Narcissistic Sociopath got elected as President of the USA and emboldened the worst elements of society, I noticed that “T” was becoming more vocal in his unhinged theism, completely nonsensical conspiracy theories, and homophobia.

Giants were real, the government covered them up.

“T”

His religion went beyond mere Personal Spirituality, since he really believed in demonic possessions and such (“COVID19 can be cured by praying and casting out demons”), as well as making real-life decisions for other people based on HIS belief system.

His conspiracy theories, at first mild (“giants were real, the government covered them up”) grew more and more detached from plain objective reality (“COVID19 is caused by 5G towers”). Bat-shit stuff like that. No amount of Science 101 (ionizing vs. non-ionizing radiation) could reach him, nor did he ask questions to help understand things better.

His homophobia made me rather uncomfortable. How could I call myself an ally to the LGBTQ+ community, and be Legitimate Friends with an unabashed homophobe? That reeks of hypocrisy. However in deference to Individualism and Friendship, I ignored it or laughed it off. I thought maybe his homophobia stems from some childhood trauma, and I didn’t want to alienate a Friend who’s not ready to open up about that deeply personal issue.

“T”‘s increasingly vocal intolerances, plus his inability to do basic Critical Thinking, was driving a wedge between us. Yet, as a naturally (some would say foolishly) compassionate and empathetic person, I was willing to indulge his eccentricities. I probed his mind tactfully, trying to figure out WHY he believes all these obvious falsehoods AND refuses to listen to evidence-based information. “T” responded by lashing out at me, calling my line of questioning “offensive”. I was taken aback, but I believe in The Power of Friendship, so I soldiered on, albeit with a bit less engagement.

A day after the armed insurrection of January 6th, 2021, “T” insinuated that it was all set up by The Deep State.

And that was the moment our friendship was over.

It was the final straw. I wasn’t even mad… I’m just practical. I simply cannot have a rational discussion with people who don’t accept reality, nor will I waste my precious time and energy trying to change someone’s mind when they refuse to admit that “2+2=4”. My friend “T” was exhibiting the same mindset as QAnon, MAGA Deplorables, Evangelicals (Fake Christians), the January 6th insurrectionists, and other cultists… all groups of people who want to reverse society’s progress, and who want ME and “my kind” disenfranchised or even dead.

“T” was clearly lost to me, so I let him go.

Yes, I felt sad losing yet another Friend, but my fealty to Objective Reality is far more important than my normal human desire for social bonds with other members of the species. Truth Matters, and if my standing by principles means I’ll die alone, so be it.

Your mileage might vary. Thanks for reading.

USA Needs To Be Split Up

Over the past decade, I’ve engaged in several discussions – both in-person and virtual – about the United States being better off split up into at least two separate countries.

This is from a 2014 Reuters poll.

I used to disagree with that idea, having immigrated to THE United States of America – a democratic beacon of light and a symbol of hope for so many people like me.

After living in the country for many years and educating myself on the various secessionist movements in the USA, I became neutral on the idea. I figured there were pros and cons, and I wasn’t knowledgeable enough to lean one way or the other.

After the Presidential election of 2016, where multiple faithless electors defied the Will Of The People by electing a Narcissistic Sociopathic Republican candidate who publicly enjoyed and thrived on the support of Cultists, Conspiracy Theorists, White Supremacists, and Fake Christians… I became pro-separatism.

The Attempted Coup of January 6th, 2021 was the final straw for many people, while for me it was merely the real-life confirmation I needed to strengthen my new Separatist mindset.

What a bunch of reality-denying, anti-American, insurrectionist, domestic fucking terrorists.

Clearly this ☝🏾 was never about “Law and Order” nor was it about “The Constitution” or “Freedoms”.

This was, and always has been, about a small yet vocal minority of pridefully ignorant, extremely xenophobic, possibly mentally ill “Americans” who decided that they’d rather cling to blatant falsehoods and lies, than educate themselves and navigate the OBJECTIVE reality of evolving national demographics and an increasingly interconnected world.

Let me use an analogy to paint a picture. These people absolutely hate the number “2”. So when asked “What is 1+1?“, they respond with “Math is fake“! When asked “How many feet do you have?”, they respond with “The Democrats and Socialists are trying to dictate how many feet I should own!”

That is, they literally cannot even ENTERTAIN any information that MIGHT contradict their deeply-held beliefs… even if the information is factually accurate, such as Basic Math!

That is reality-denial, which is delusion, which is classified as mental illness.

These mentally-ill people are trying fervently – with all the funding and tools now available to them, including physical violence – to forcefully subject the rest of the country to THEIR fantasies.

This is straight-up Domestic Terrorism, which is unacceptable and unsustainable. Hell, it is barely accepted in failed states around the globe, so it is definitely not acceptable in a self-described Developed Nation such as the whole-ass United States of f*cking AMERICA 😠

To any rational human being, 1+1 will always equal “2”

The AlterNative African

This is one topic on which Reality-Deniers and Rational People agree wholeheartedly: the USA needs to be split up. There is no reconciliation to be had, no compromise to be made, because to any rational human being, 1+1 will always equal “2”, not “Jesus Guns n’ Freedom”.

This is not like mixing oil and water – those can at least swirl around together even if they don’t truly mix, they can at least occupy the same space. No, Forcing Reality-Deniers and Rational People to coexist is more like forcing matter and antimatter together: they will simply annihilate, violently and completely. 100% matter conversion, according to the standard formula E=mc².

This handshake would be their last. But I’m not gonna lie, it would be spectacularly AWESOME and I would totally watch it! 😂

My separatist sentiment extends to the entire world, not just the USA. For these and other reasons, I believe that many other unstable “countries” like Nigeria, Iran and Mexico will never know Peace. Not until they’re split up.

While our hominid ancestors survived and succeeded mostly due to cooperation, modern human individuals are too selfish, and some societies too large and culturally heterogeneous, to coexist in harmony for any meaningful length of time. Sometimes propping up the façade of “unity” paradoxically hinders overall progress. Much like the way a gangrenous limb can fatally slow down a soldier on the battlefield.

In those cases – such as the one in which Americans find themselves – it might be best to avoid death by halting the infection. That is, hack off the decaying limb (secede from Reality-Deniers), cauterize the wound (cut our losses), and salvage what’s left of the body (continue living as a progressive developed nation).

Will it hurt at first? Most definitely! However, that might be the price we pay, to avert a worse outcome.

“Hold steady, champ. This might sting a little.”

So, do YOU think the United States of America will survive in its’ current form for the next century? Sound off below, let’s discuss.

Russia Finally Won the Cold War

Based on the tragic and reality-altering events of January 6th, 2021, it LOOKS to me like, after 45 long years, Russia finally “won” the Cold War.

Ironically, they did it not by guns or nukes, but via multiple Cyber Attack campaigns, Targeted Disinformation and Weapons of Mass Distraction.

They turned our own citizens against us. And it wasn’t even THAT difficult.

It looks like Vladimir Putin controlled President Trump and Mitch McConnell for many years, and also took advantage of the COVID19 pandemic. Then, over time, Putin deftly and invisibly manipulated the vocal minority of mostly-rural, mostly fake-Christian, “conservative”, uneducated, gullible, and xenophobic Americans, ultimately delegitimizing the USA’s Democracy… from the inside.

Leading to “The Incident”.

Supporters of President Donald Trump climb the West wall of the the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2021, in Washington. (AP Photo/Jose Luis Magana)

Motherf***er was playing the Long Game all along.

I’m quite disturbed by what happened, and I’m not applauding Putin… yet I cannot ignore nor deny his success. One MUST recognize and give respect where respect is due 🤷🏾‍♂️ Just sayin’. I ain’t even mad.

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I have been occasionally listening news media that provide 1st-hand reports of the event. None has been as brutal as this episode of Post Reports podcast, in which they reconstruct the riot inside the U.S. Capitol, hearing from the lawmakers, journalists and law enforcement officials who were there. The episode is pretty gnarly and upsetting – at least it should be upsetting to True Patriots and people who have Natural Human Empathy.

Warning
The following episode contains language and descriptions which some may find disturbing. Listener Discretion is advised.

Direct URL to the episode: https://www.washingtonpost.com/podcasts/post-reports/four-hours-of-insurrection/

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This has all been surreal for many immigrants, including myself – basically a refugee from a “developing” African nation that has seen its’ share of coups, both violent and peaceful. Many of us are wondering… is this the end of the relatively stable United States that we’ve grown to know and love, a nation which many of us now proudly call “home”? If the White Supremacists and xenophobes continue growing their power base and influence – and it certainly looks like they are – are we peaceful immigrants still safe? If not, where do we go? Where CAN we go?

My empathy extends to American-blacks (and 2nd-Generation African immigrants), who – regardless of significant internal cultural issues – have always known, endured, and fought against systemic racism. Most of them don’t have passports, and have never even seen the shores of another country, aside from short trips to their favorite island vacation destinations (those don’t count). Most have never seen a map of the world, many cannot point out specific major countries on a globe, and a scant few have even visited or lived in any African nation. The USA, with all its’ comforts and conveniences, is all they’ve ever known. If (when) the United States erupts into a full-blown Second Civil War, naturalized and “logistically nimble” immigrants like me can bail out and lay low for a while. What can American-blacks do… where can THEY go?

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Speaking of sh** being surreal… A couple of times since The Incident, I’ve woken up with a very fleeting thought that “Maybe this was all a huge media stunt to promote a new film starring Gerard Butler protecting yet ANOTHER president from a Capitol siege” 😅

God bless Morgan Freeman, the best TV President ever, IMHO

Then I check the news media and I’m like… no, it’s real. This is real. This actually happened. White Supremacists and Right-Wing domestic terrorists openly and fearlessly tried to capture and kill elected officials in the nation’s capital 😳

F*** me sideways… this is actually happening in the United States of America 😓

Stay strong, folks. This too, shall pass. I hope.

Game of Thrones vs. The Expanse

During a recent virtual discussion on YouTube, someone expressed frustration that the hit show “The Expanse” – now streaming on Amazon Prime Video – doesn’t get as much recognition and hype, as HBO’s “Game of Thrones” enjoyed back in the day. This, in spite of both shows being very similar (despite the “disparate on the surface” settings).

My answer was simple, because the two major reasons are quite obvious (at least to me): Gender Stereotypes and Audience Fragmentation.

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“Game of Thrones” is fantasy-fiction, with heavy emphasis on swords, sandals, dresses, interpersonal relationships and drama, royalty, magic… lots of “romanticized fantasy”. Of course there was a lot more to the show than that, but one cannot deny that much of this sub-genre is very appealing to women. Just check out the countless masses of fantasy-based romance novels in existence.

“The Expanse”, on the other hand, is hard science-fiction, heavy on politics, processes, technology, exoplanets, outer space… lots of “grounded logic”. The show assumes that the viewer has SOME knowledge of basic physics, basic astronomy, and even Game Theory. The show DEMANDS some level of science literacy that society has deemed to be “nerdy boy stuff!”

This is social conditioning and the perpetuation of gender stereotypes, starting as early as infancy.

Taking this into consideration, it becomes clear that by sheer virtue of “having something for both genders”, “Game of Thrones” captured the attention and interest of MORE people across the spectrum. This resulted in that show being more “popular”. It’s simple Math, really.

Welcome to “human civilization” – basically shiny towers inhabited by barely-sentient, hormone-driven apes 😂

The other factor is “audience fragmentation”, coupled with the way we consume media today. The sheer number of high-quality media being generated, across different genres and far too many streaming services (few people can afford to subscribe to ALL of them), simply means that fandoms are smaller. Once again, Math explains it. I’m pretty sure that “Game of Thrones” was the last time we had a massive shared subsculture. I kinda miss those days, actually.

That said… despite the ongoing global pandemic, one cannot deny that we live in a veritable golden age of genre media. Amazing art is being produced more quickly than we can consume and discuss… literally an embarrassment of riches. However, one could argue that this is a nice “problem” to have, especially during these physically-isolated times.

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Hopefully this article was a bit enlightening, fun to read, and brought a smile to your face. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Season 3 of “Cobra Kai”… after which I’ll geek out with fellow 80s kids – all 7 of them who had time to watch this show 😂👍🏾

My Girlfriend Tried To Kill Me

In this past awful year that was 2020, one of my random spring-cleaning activities was digitizing and shredding old documents. While doing this, I came across an unopened letter, from an ex-girlfriend in the mid-90s. This shocking discovery prompted me to write a journal entry. But first, some context.

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Warning
Non-Graphic Descriptions of Physical Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse

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Back in my early 20s in late-90s California – long before I embarked on my Failed Reintegration Project – I was dating this one white woman, whom I’ll henceforth refer to as “The Monster”. Eventually The Monster moved in, into my San Jose apartment-condo. Unbeknownst to me, she also stopped taking her anti-psychotic medications.

One evening we had some obvious voicemail-related miscommunication. She levied false accusations against me, and she tried to stab me with a kitchen knife. She also bashed my head against the wall, putting a dent in it. It was my first (and ONLY) time ever being attacked by a mentally ill person. I fled – out of MY OWN RESIDENCE – flagged down the nearest cop car, and begged them for help.

(Yes, I was hella naive, but remember this was a Different Era and I was a silly optimistic African immigrant in my early-20s, cut me some slack)

The cops examined and questioned both of us separately. As always, I honestly explained what happened, my misplaced faith in Truth and Justice on full display. Later on, I read the police report – The Monster lied about her role in our altercation, intentionally bruised herself, and of course reported that she was mentally ill.

As you, my dear readers, can imagine… back then, a white woman’s word against a black man’s word was a no-brainer. However, the REAL clincher was that she had a mental health issue… so according to the law at that time, they could not arrest her, but for Domestic Violence calls, they had to arrest SOMEONE. And guess who that person was.

Yup. The police arrested ME.

Funny enough, while taking me from my own residence – where, I repeat, I was the victim of a physical assault – the cop understood my dismay, acknowledged that The Monster lied, and explained the reason for the necessary arrest. It turned out that The Monster was already in “the system” – she was a known deadbeat mom AND domestic abuser. Yet, she was to face no consequences beyond being evaluated and MAYBE forced to resume her medications. The cop advised me on some things I could and should do after seeing the judge.

A few days later in court, the judge scolded me for dating The Monster, a woman who was already known to the court – AND reported by her beleaguered ex-husband! – to be a Patently Bad Person. While ordering my release, the judge warned me to abandon my forays into “sleazy people” territory and to not end up in his court again.

I returned to my damaged apartment-condo, to find the bloated bitch sleeping amidst my now-dirty residence, completely uncaring about the damage she had caused. In the subsequent days, with the understanding that “we need some space to work on our relationship”, I managed to carefully and deftly coax The Monster out of my apartment-condo. Using acting skills I never knew I had, I maintained a smile on my face, told her what she wanted to hear, and helped her rent a room out of someone’s house.

I then filed a restraining order against her, put my condo up for sale, and moved out without telling anyone my destination. I thought I’d saved my life and was finally rid of The Monster.

Yet, the bitch found me. She found me.

Using unsecured phone and utility company records, The Monster found me in a different apartment complex in a different small town, literally 1 week after I had moved in. She was pounding on my door in the dead of the night, calling my name and disturbing other residents. I called the cops again, this time with my restraining order information. They showed up and escorted her off the premises, threatening her arrest but otherwise not laying a hand on her (yes, white woman privilege was even more back in the 90s). The responding officers saw I was shook, and had some empathy… they advised me that they just couldn’t be proactive in these situations, so I might consider relocating. Which I did. Lost my deposit and first month’s rent and everything. This was back before I had any savings to speak of.

After I relocated, I took every measure to conceal myself, including password-protecting ALL my utility accounts. However, this didn’t stop The Monster from harassing me via email. Not only did she call the INS in vain attempts to get me deported, but she also proceeded to harass and threaten my PARENTS via international phone calls! However, I was at least physically safe again, albeit facing multiple years of life-disrupting court appearances and budget-crippling legal debt.

Folks, I’ll spare you the sordid details of the legal fallout of that phase of my life. Just know that it was a life-damaging yet eye-opening experience, especially with regards to immigration and naturalization. If not for The Monster – and the unfortunate choices leading me into her orbit – I would have gotten naturalized over a decade sooner. I would definitely have been in a far, FAR better life situation, today.

Alas, that is yet one more Alternate Timeline that is forever closed off to me.

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Fast-forward to 2020, my aforementioned “spring-cleaning” session… I found a packet of documents that my lawyer had mailed to me after working on my DV case. The packet contained emails, photos, and other evidence showing that The Monster stalked, harassed, and threatened me AND my family (she had met my visiting mother at one point). It also contained this unopened letter. Out of sheer curiosity, I opened it. The first thing I saw was a picture of The Monster.

My body AND mind instantly went into “fight or flight” mode, and I reflexively dropped the entire thing on the floor with reflexive “WTF?!?” My caucasian counterparts would have “gone white as a sheet”.

A moment later I was like, wait… I live in 2020AD, in Pandemic Solitary Confinement, with a fence and security cameras, AND I’m a law-abiding US Citizen. I have literally nothing to be afraid of. Fuckin’ PTSD.

So I calmed down, read the letter, and was subsequently awash in strange emotions. Most importantly, I felt vindicated. Behold, all 6 pages and her photo:

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

  I could list out everything that I wish upon this human-looking creature, but they would land me on FBI and Human Rights Watch lists 😒

My main takeaway from the rambling letter, is that she felt badly for what she did to us (our relationship), she acknowledged that I was in fact doing right by her, she missed me, and she wanted me back. She was remorseful for not appreciating me, for not appreciating all the good things I brought to her, and for not appreciating how I was trying to lift her up not only by example, but with real support…

…Y’know, the very same qualities which American-black and African people saw in me but denigrated and dismissed!

The letter made me feel “understood”.

After over 16 years of being made to feel overbearing or worthless (sometimes BOTH simultaneously), being gaslighted by black women in particular and negro people in general… in that moment, reading that wild letter from the past, I felt vindicated. I mean, obviously it’s “too little too late” since I’m now middle-aged and staring End Of Life in the face… but being told “Hey, by the way you weren’t wrong! Just misconnected, misunderstood, and unappreciated!” via a literal time capsule, is better than nothing.

Think about it: Out of all the relationships I’ve had, this ONE individual admitted on paper that I was Doing The Right Thing. So imagine how many (mostly negro) women since then have refused to acknowledge these things, opting instead to make me look/sound like a Bad or Useless individual, trying to cast me as stereotypical (because it makes them feel more comfortable, I guess), or worse, casting me as an out-of-touch “goody two shoes” geriatric lunatic.

With this letter, I feel vindicated.

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Just to end on a more positive note, I can honestly say, that phase of my life offered some necessary lessons (“Suffering is essential to Wisdom“). It taught me a LOT about the criminal justice system in the USA. It taught me a lot about the USCIS (back when it was the INS). It taught me that some people can be clearly dishonest to the authorities, and still get away with it. It put real-life gender and racial biases into the front and center of my consciousness. It taught me more about choosing a romantic partner. It taught a great deal about mental health disorders, decades before it was semi-acceptable to bring it up publicly. It helped me understand how my “objectively good” tenets AND practice of Communication, Honesty, and Integrity might conflict with “How Most Other People Think And Behave In Daily Practice”.

Whatever has been granted to [the soul] of profundity, secret, mask, spirit, cunning, greatness—was it not granted to it through suffering, through the discipline of great suffering”?

Friedrich Nietzsche

I had to grit my teeth, wipe away my anger-tears, and just power through this very difficult journal entry, as Trauma Recall almost always triggers PTSD. However, I feel strongly about sharing my story. I hope you got something out of this article, and I “pray” that you NEVER experience what I experienced at the hands of The Monster.

Be well, friends.

His Final Moments

As of publishing this article, the fatal and final act of Anthony Quinn Warner is already fading into the backdrop of a horrible year that was 2020.

The 63-year old man from Antioch, TN set up explosives inside an RV. He set up a warning broadcast, giving people plenty of time to evacuate, before the vehicle exploded, killing Anthony. The damage was almost entirely structural, while 8 people in the area suffered minor injuries.

We can speculate endlessly about his motives, but clearly Anthony didn’t want to kill anyone but himself. Absent any other motive, we must assume that this act was more about sending a message. WHAT that message was… well, it might be uncovered in the ensuing investigation, but I suspect it’ll lost, discarded, or even covered up. Just in time for the public’s attention to be captured by yet another Trump crime, another police shooting of an unarmed black man, or the latest scandalous video from some celebrity THOT.

I’m writing this article because I have empathy for any adult who has gotten to the end of their rope, and who decides to end their suffering decisively, on their own terms. I also have great respect for people who have the sheer intestinal fortitude necessary make their exit.

That being said, I wonder about his state of mind during his Final Moments. Internally, I speculate. What brought him to this point?

Was he facing professional challenges, finding it difficult to remain gainfully employed, or to take the next step in his career?

Did he have a physical or mental disability, for which he was mocked in childhood, which made him socially disadvantaged in young adulthood, and which irreparably damaged his self-esteem leading into his middle-age?

Was he tired of a society that says all heterosexual men are toxic, even though he lived his best Progressive, kind, and Humanist life… consistently and relentlessly modeling the behavior he hoped to see in others?

Was he sick of being rejected by the opposite gender, even when he did his very best to behave in accordance with the rules that civilized society AND said opposite gender laid down?

Society pays “lip service” to men’s’ mental health issues, encouraging us to talk about our emotions and seek support. However, society also punishes us for doing those things… utterly shaming any of us who dare to be anything less than stereotypically and superficially “strong”, physically dominating or violent, bread-winning automatons. Yet, when we inevitably “snap” and act out our frustrations, we’re seen as “dangerous” and subdued by any means necessary. Was Anthony sick of this fucking hypocrisy?

Was he sick and tired of having no “natural support” from regular people (not paid therapists) like friends or family, without fear of being put down and shamed for his vulnerability?

Were Anthony’s friends “American Friends” (AKA “good acquaintances for Happy Hour”) or Real Friends (“talk it out, hug it out, laugh or cry, ride or die”)?

Did Anthony lose all trust in people, due to a history of being chronically abandoned when he needed emotional support, or just physical human company?

Investigations show that Anthony Warner believed in lizard people and aliens. Did he turn to conspiracy theories to find the comfort and “understanding” that he couldn’t find in other members of the Human Race?

Was he sick of being ignored, shamed, or flat-out punished by society merely for being his Authentic Self and being a Decent Person?

Was he taking brain damage over time from being extremely lonely and depressed, without physical human contact (even pre-pandemic), and decided that technically, he might as well not even exist?

Was it all of the above?

On a more practical note… why explosives? Was he thinking about the difference between a gunshot to the brain and a massive flesh-flaying explosion? Did he believe that the explosion would be quicker?

He set up an audible warning broadcast before the explosives went off, meaning he wanted to cause panic and do property damage, not seriously harm anyone. I wonder… WHY, though? In this Digital Age, Modern Western Society is characterized by Attention Deficit as we grapple with Information Overload… Surely he knew that the best way to get attention to his message is a high body count… and yet he graciously kept it at zero. Why?

If or when it’s my turn, will I have the courage to make my Final Exit publicly, or will I do it privately? Or worse, will I “chicken out” and continue to suffer the indignity of a misbegotten existence, wallowing in the eternal shame and complete failures forced upon me by Paucity of Choice and by Society in general?

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Anthony allegedly told his neighbor that the world would never forget him. I for one, won’t… but unfortunately, as I write this article, the rest of the world already has. With a body count of zero, and with no public videos or articles to share his message, Anthony Warner will be nothing but a random statistic, lost to the unforgiving sands of Time.

An unmarked grave.

It is unfortunate 😔 but the Universe Does Not Claim Fairness.

May Anthony Warner’s bold, decisive yet ultimately ineffective final act serve as a warning and lesson to those of us who still draw breath – a necessary exercise in an otherwise meaningless existence.

AlterNative Timeline: Native Americans United Against European Invasion

Recently, my friend and “unintentional writing coach” made a comment on Medium about the parallels between Africans and “native americans” – two groups of people who could not put their infighting aside long enough to unite against invading Europeans. She wondered how such an invasion would play out in an alternate universe.

I was going to respond to her message with a simple 3-line response… but then I got carried away 😁

(Disclaimer: I am not a historian, nor do I care to completely censor myself. This article is pure fun speculation. So I preemptively apologize if I inadvertently offend anyone… kindly let me know in the comments, and I’ll fix it).

Alright here we go: What might have happened if the Indigenous People of North America had united against the European invasion?

Scotsmen count as European, right?

First Invasion

The Indigenous Peoples of the New World united JUST enough to fend off the first wave of would-be colonists. But just BARELY. Despite superior numbers and Home Field Advantage, the natives lost too many men to the European guns. Native families were decimated.

After this eye-opening set of battles, their various chiefs and leaders came together, buried the hatchet (metaphorically, and for real this time), and really TALKED about extending the temporary truce and KEEPING the White Devil off their lands.

They also needed to preserve the sense of fashion. I mean, check out that headgear. FIERCE.

Unification

The various East-coast and Southern-Coast tribes started sharing more knowledge… they set aside their negative biases, and embraced their differences. They discovered, supported, and enabled their various “weird ways”, and thus enriched one another. To keep a sense of competition, they resorted to mock battles and athletic competitions.

Through that cooperation – and by reverse-engineering many of the guns, machines, and ships left behind by the would-be invaders – the United Tribes of the New World (“UTNW”) devised better and more effective guerrilla warfare tactics. They taught their many young, strong warriors ways to repel, penalize (heavily), or even defeat an enemy who has either superior numbers, superior firepower, or both.

Every tribe had a handful of mechanically-inclined, “thinking” individuals, young men considered too “weak ” to be warriors, or too “too intelligent and outspoken” to make a good wife, and often undesirable by the opposite sex.

These various “thinkers” were naturally grouped, to help decipher the “White Man’s Magic”. They spearheaded the aforementioned reverse-engineering, the rash of “mechanical marvels” that followed, and inspired the following generation of non-warrior “thinking” children. This was the genesis of the Indigenous Peoples’ Science Council, which would be critical to the entire nation’s eventual success.

Word got out to the Central and Western tribes, and THEY sent ambassadors to establish diplomatic relations to this strange new unified tribe of fellow natives. Tribal conflict became a thing of the past, as the natives focused on more existential problems, developing their internal diplomacy and vowing to point their spears outwards. This “First Great Unification” took less than 5 years.

“First we unite, then we smoke ’em Peace Pipe. Cherokee Kush, in full effect. Yo, I came to party… Where de white squaws at??? 😂”

Second Invasion

Not long after the First Great Unification, the Europeans came back (of course, those entitled fucks)… this time with more ships, more men, and more guns. They thought they were coming back to a similar situation as before, where local tribes could be bribed and turned against one another, while the more stubborn tribes could be simply wiped out with the “magic” of “boomsticks” firing “tiny metal balls of death”.

Instead the Europeans were met at Square One with “refurbished” guns, makeshift “battle rafts” and giant crossbows firing from the beaches. Some of the ships reached the shore in on piece, and the invaders set up camp in preparation for battle the following day. Alas, that was their last “civilized” tactic, since the natives — this time exploiting their Home Field Advantage — damaged the remaining ships, and took turns harassing and ambushing the troops. They did not give the Europeans a chance to regroup, explore, resupply, OR sleep.

By morning of the 2nd day, all but 3 invaders were dead.

The surviving invaders were put back on a ship, and sent on their way with a woven basket of their comrades’ scalps, and a dire warning. We don’t know what happened in Europe after that, but we do know that Europe never again tried to invade the New World.

Aftermath and the Second Great Unification

Having witnessed the success of the united Eastern and Southern tribes, The Western and Central tribes willingly and completely joined the UTNW, finally unifying 90% of the region occupied by the USA in our timeline. This was the “Second Great Unification”.

Getting high on peyote, stomp-dancing until rain falls… Now THIS is how you party!

Fast forward to Today

The UTNW – or simply the “United Tribes” – stands as a fairly isolationist nation, despite having decent trade relations and neutral-to-warm diplomacy with basically all other nations. Farming and livestock generates the bulk of their huge GDP, driving their strong, sustainability-oriented economy that is 2nd only to China. Their deliberate and “pragmatic” technological advancements are somewhat tempered by their strong, deep, cultural desire to stay in balance with nature… so they don’t mind being a few years behind the rest of the world in gadgets, tech,and “intrusive” infrastructure.

It’s actually called Bison. Buffalos are found in Asia (however, Ruffalos are found in the USA).

Global Influence

The world’s greatest minds in Botany, Biology, Climatology, and Wildlife Preservation, comes from the United Tribesmen… and they have multiple Nobel Prizes to prove it. Without the UTNW’s Soft Diplomacy and “Green Supremacy”, we could never have beat Climate Change – CO2 levels have been steadily dropping since UTNW was recognized as a sovereign nation and shared their Renewable Energy advancements with the world.

Internal Civics

The Central UTNW government is the Council of Chiefs, which has a number of individuals (an odd number, to avoid tied votes). Each Chief is voted in by his or her provincial residents. Only Citizens of native Tribesmen lineage can vote to elect Chiefs. Immigrants – even if naturalized – can only vote in their local elections.

Nationalism and Culture

Despite some language and subtle cultural differences, the UTNW people consider themselves as one giant tribe stretching across the continent. Whether living in an urban center or a village, male or female, they refer to themselves as “Tribesmen”, a word which carries the same gravitas and patriotism as “Citizen” in OUR timeline. All immigrants — even completely naturalized and integrated ones — are referred to as “Honored Guests”.

Fun fact: his arrows are made of LASERS 😀👍🏾

The Wild Bison — still roaming the many thousands of acres of Wild Nature Preserves — is the UTNW’s unofficial National Animal, and is displayed prominently on several provincial flags. Tribesmen are a proud people, with “Turn our spears outwards” (unity against invaders) being a core part of their national ideology.

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Does this alternate timeline sound interesting? Who wants the movie rights? I’ll sell them to you for $1 dollar even. I also accept non-covid hugs 😅 Comment below, share your thoughts!

I Had Malaria

One year before migrating to the United States, I contracted Malaria. Not for the first time, mind you…! Must have been my 5th time, I think. I lost track after TWO of my schoolmates died over the holidays from this awful disease.

Just a quick background: Malaria is a life-threatening disease caused by a nasty little parasite called Plasmodium Falciparum, carried by female Anopheles mosquitoes, and injected into us via mosquito bites. Malaria is highly preventable and fairly treatable.

At least those who survived, you parasite-transmitting bitch!😂

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Have you ever had Malaria, though? It’s quite nasty. It usually starts out with intense, consistent, pounding headaches. Then a VERY high fever, so hot your eyeballs feel like boiling eggs. Your clothes start feeling damp and sticky from the buckets of sweat you’re exuding.

While the fever tries to burn out the invader, here comes the involuntary full-body shivering as your body reacts to the self-generated fever. Waves of intermittent painful shivering, with occasional localized convulsions sprinkled in for good measure.

Loss of appetite, nausea at the mere THOUGHT of food. Whatever food you DID eat earlier, comes back up via lots of vomiting, plus a little diarrhea if you’re even more unlucky. You struggle to swallow anything, even water.

You might not even make it to the toilet sometimes.

Within 24 hours you have full-body aches, pains, dizziness, disorientation, and even vertigo. Physical weakness so bad, you need support merely getting up and walking to use the bathroom. You spend a LOT of time under thick blankets, drifting in and out of a confused stupor.

Holding your head won’t make it stop pounding. Sorry, bud.

With every wave of shivers and convulsions, you literally feel your body wasting away. Paradoxically, obese people have the upper hand here, because they have much more mass to lose before the wasting reaches their vital organs. Their “cushion” is literal AND metaphorical!

Having the full set of Malaria symptoms, is basically the closest a human being can come to violent spontaneous combustion, without actually bursting into literal flames.

“Told you he was running a fever, doc!”

Oh but wait, there’s more! A symptom that almost no doctor or medical textbook mentions: the straight-up demonic hallucinations, yo!

If you sleep in that “coffin” position, yo’ ass DESERVES to be haunted.

They vary from person to person, and they can be anything at all based on religious beliefs, superstitions, and just general unique brain chemistry. And they occur spontaneously, whether your eyes are open or closed. Closed is worse, trust me.

What can I say? Sometimes shit be just fucked-up, LMAO

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My point is, that this Plasmodium parasite is one baaaad motherf(shut yo’ mouf!) – but I’m talking ’bout Plas (can you dig it)?

This doesn’t show the hallucinations, but just use your imagination.

To nobody’s surprise, Malaria was – and still is – among the world’s deadliest diseases, and currently still among the top causes of death in many tropical regions across the globe. Fortunately, we humans know how to deal with it.

Oh, and if you survive a bout with Malaria, there’s the MASSIVE weight loss. Y’know… from all that involuntary calorie-burning. Between malaria and tapeworms, all obese Westerners who REALLY want to lose unwanted fat, should really consider living in a malaria hotspot country for a few months! Fuck the health risks, why isn’t this a big business yet? Just sayin’… someone needs to get on that ish and make some money!

“As a goof, we told wealthy FAT Westerners that they could lose weight quickly by getting Malaria on purpose. Look at all this fuckin’ money they paid us.”

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So anyway… why did I write this article? No particular reason… maybe self-therapy, I guess? I hope you were at least somewhat entertained, and maybe even learned something. I’d like to hear from you, so comment below, let me know! Meanwhile, never forget there exist some worse diseases out there. This cheeky young fellow understands 😅👇🏾

Because when it comes to tropical diseases, things could ALWAYS be worse.